"A Live Woman of Proven Fertility"
Don Foster & Susan Beavers
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
is the 5th episode of
. It originally aired on October 16, 2006.
Judith announces she is going to remarry to Herb, Charlie and Alan must convince her fiancé to proceed with the nuptials after he displays signs of cold feet, so that Alan can discontinue alimony payments to Judith.
Alan has hit rock bottom: with two alimony drains beyond his modest means, he must practically beg Charlie for a meal, so it sounds like heaven when Judith announces she's about to marry the kid's pediatrician, Dr. Herb Melnick. Jake is trough with Melnick, even took a bus across L.A. to run back to Charlie's house and Judith wants to wait till the boy gets used to the idea, which according to him is never, so Alan points out a real doc's superior milking cow potential. Herb is not so easily convinced to become a husband and stepfather, until Charlie invents a drinking game: the trio even plans his bachelor party at Charlie's beach-house.
Title quotation from Edit
Alan, to Herb, describing Judith.
Jake: Hey, Dad.
Alan: What are you doing here? And how'd you get in?
Jake: Rose let me in.
Rose: Hey, guys. How was dinner?
Charlie: Forget dinner. What are you doing here?
Rose: Keeping Jake company.
Charlie: But if you let him in, you had to have been before him.
Rose: Well, yeah. But if Jake hadn't shown up, I'd be gone now, and you'd never know I was here.
Charlie: So what, you just waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?
Rose: That's not true. Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.
Alan: Wait a minute. Let's go back here. Jake, why aren't you at your mother's?
Jake: I ran away.
Rose: Sometmes you're in the shower.
Alan: Rose, please. Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: You know, I am a little surprised at you. I would think you would want your mom to be happy.
Jake: Hey, she can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretendind he's my dad.
Alan: Oh, why not?
Jake: 'Cause I already have a dad.
Charlie: And he's already a jerk.
Alan: All right, buddy. I'm going to have to tell you something pretty heavy. But I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.
Alan: Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor, but Dr. Melnick is.
Jake: So what?
Alan: "So what"? Are you kidding? He makes more money than I do. He can buy you better presents than I can.
Charlie: And don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
Charlie: You know, if someone gets sick. Or bored.
Jake: But I only need one dad.
Alan: And you'll only have one dad, but there's nothing that says you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan." We'll still know who's who.
Charlie: I'm getting a little misty.
Jake: Forget it, I'm never going to like him.
Charlie: May I suggest you try a more... shall we say, practical approach?
Alan: Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance?
Jake: Ten dollars a week.
Alan: Okay... Uh, I'm going to write down some figures here, and you tell me to stop when you see a number that makes you feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick.
Judith: I was so worried about you. Don't you ever do that again.
Herb: Thanks for bringing him back.
Charlie: No problem.
Alan: Jake, isn't there something you want to say?
Alan: That's blackmailing.
Alan: I like it.
Charlie: Hey, Herb. Attaboy. You dumb bastard.
Alan: Why is she calling me this hour. Hello? Of course, it's me. Who are you expecting? Oh, my God. This is Herb's phone.
Two and a Half Men
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
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Working for Caligula • Who's Vod Kanockers? • The Sea is a Harsh Mistress • A Pot Smoking Monkey • A Live Woman of Proven Fertility • Apologies for the Frivolity • Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head • Release the Dogs • Corey's Been Dead for an Hour • Kissing Abraham Lincoln • Walnuts and Demerol • Castrating Sheep in Montana • Don't Worry, Speed Racer • That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami • My Damn Stalker • Young People Have Phlegm Too • I Merely Slept with a Commie • It Never Rains in Hooterville • Smooth as a Ken Doll • Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot • Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous • Mr. McGlue's Feedbag • Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' • Prostitutes and Gelato
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
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