Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro is the 20th episode of Season 3. It originally aired on April 24, 2006.


Charlie and Judith get involved with Kandi's family romantically.


Alan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with Kandi's mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with Kandi's father, Andy, and Kandi moves with Judith. Eventually, Alan and Kandi reconcile in Judith's jacuzzi, where they end up with Judith and Andi. Judith drives Alan and Andi out and kicks even Kandi out of the house. Charlie and Mandi are seen occupying the jacuzzi now.



  • Alan: Wh-what?

  • Andy: Excuse me. Is this Judith Harper's house?
  • Alan: Yeah. She traded it for her youth.
  • (doorbell rings)
  • Kandi: Hi, Daddy!
  • Andy: Hi, sweetheart!
  • Kandi: Come on in. Judith can't wait to meet you.
  • Andy: I can't wait to meet her.
  • Kandi: I know you two are gonna love each other.

  • Kandi: So, how'd it go with Kandi?
  • Alan: If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?
  • Charlie: Alan?
  • Alan: What?
  • Charlie: I'm completely naked.
  • Mandi: What happnened, Alan?
  • Alan: Well, as I suspected, Judith has turned your daughter against me.
  • Kandi: Well, I'm not surprised. Kandi's always been very suggestible. You know, until she was eight. she thought this was her nose.
  • Charlie: Aw, that's kind of cute. When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about than him.
  • Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to resident events...
  • Charlie: Ooh, oh. remember when I told you cat litter box was filled with almarokin. He ate four of them.
  • Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?Because I actually have something to talk about.
  • Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was interrupting you.
  • Mandi: Go ahead, Alan.
  • Alan: Thank you. So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
  • Mandi: Andi.
  • Alan: I guess.
  • Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andi and Kandi?
  • Mandi: What's your point?
  • Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andi, Kandi. Dandy.
  • Alan: Anyway, it appears as if Kandi has set mt ex-wife up on a blind date with him.
  • Mandi: How nice.
  • Alan: Nice? How is that nice?
  • Kandi: Well, he's been kind of depressed since we broke up. It's good to see he's getting back on the horse.
  • Alan: But that horse is my ex-wife!
  • Charlie: Speaking of which, did you see The Bride and the Burro in Tijuanna?
  • Mandi: See it? I caught the bouquet.
  • Charlie: (Chuckles) So did Alan. (sighs) Always a bridesmaid, never a burre.
  • Mandi: Charlie, I'm starting to lone feeling in my arm.
  • Charlie: Oh, I'm--I'm sorry. Hey, you went pretty far in the Scouts. Can you undo this knot?
  • Alan: Gee, actually, I specialized in Indian lore... beaded belts, arrowheads. But good luck, though.
  • Mandi: Maybe you should go get a pair of scissors.
  • Charlie: Hang on. Let me untie my feet. (clears throat) We really didn't think this through, did we?

  • Berta: How do you know Kandi?
  • Mandi: She's my daughter.

  • Charlie: Hey, what's up?

  • Alan: I'm sorry.
  • Kandi: No, I'm sorry.
  • Alan: I missed you so much.
  • Kandi: I missed you, too, Huggy Bear. Mom, I'm gonna go have sex with Alan, okay?
  • Mandi: You kids have fun.

  • Charlie: So, should we head back to my place?
  • Mandi: I suppose.

  • Charlie: I'm guessing that's your ex-husband.
  • Mandi: Ih-huh.
  • Charlie: Good-looking man.
  • Mandi: Oh, he's gorgeous. Dumb as wood.
  • Judith: Oh, my lord!
  • Mandi: But it's good wood.
  • Charlie: I better find Alan so we can get out of here.
  • Mandi: You want to leave? This is so hot.
  • Charlie: Oh, Mandi, you just keep getting better and better. Hang on while I give Alan a heads up.
  • Mandi: Hurry back and give me one.
  • Charlie: Alan? (knocks) Alan?
  • Judith: You are the most beautiful man I ever ever seen.
  • Charlie: Not Alan. I couldn't find him... Mandi? Mandi?
  • Andy: You know what else I like? Swap meats.
  • Judith: Swell.
  • Andy': Your ex-husband must be a real little guy, huh?
  • Judith: Forget about him. Let's get some wine in you.
  • Charlie: Mandi.
  • Judith: Glasses are in there. No, no, top shelf. That's what I'm talking about.
  • 'Andy: Do you ever do rock climbing? It's a great workout.
  • Charlie: Mandi? Mandi? Alan? Anybody?
  • Mandi: Over here.
  • Charlie: Oh, damn it! What are you doing?
  • Mandi: I was thirsty.
  • Charlie: Have you seen Alan?
  • Mandi: I've been in the closet.
  • Charlie: So where the hell is he?
  • Andi: I'm sorry. I;m so nervous. I haven't been with another woman in a long time.
  • Judith: Yeah, yeah. Take off your robe.

  • Alan Harper: I said. I was sorry.
  • Judith: Just get out!
  • Andy: I'll give you a call, Judith. Maybe we'll hit some garage sales.
  • Judith: Yeah, terrific.
  • Alan: I like your daughter.
  • 'Andy: I like your ex-wife.
  • Alan: Want to get a drink?
  • Andy: I'm not doing anything. Do you like garage sales?

Title quotation fromEdit

Charlie, to Alan, about a X-rated show, while in bed with Mandi.

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