Berta

	I ain't cleaning that up.
Berta's catchphrase

Berta, played by the late Conchata Ferrell, is Charlie's and later Walden's sharp-tongued housekeeper.

Personality[]

Played as a cynical, sharp-tongued, hard-working, and sassy but caring and responsible housekeeper, in her late 50s in season 1 and early 70s in season 12, Berta takes great joy in making fun of the Harper family's faults as they amuse her. She often injects good quips that end or extend conversations. She strikes fear into the hearts of others simply by frowning. She has a sense of decency and disgust, making her willing to leave the house when something is happening.

As of season nine, she is employed by Walden Schmidt to clean his house, giving her a reason to keep coming there.

Family[]

Berta's Family life is often a topic on the show. She has three daughters, one half-brother called "Chick", a half-sister called Daisy, and several granddaughters, all of whom, in her words, are "sleazy and easy." She often brings her family to work (notably Daisy and granddaughter Prudence) and otherwise involves Charlie and Alan in their lives. When her youngest daughter Naomi gets pregnant, Berta leaves her with Alan and drags Charlie to the suspected father's house to force him to help Naomi and their child. Alan dates Naomi with Berta's approval ("he isn't much but he's the best boyfriend Naomi ever had"), but Naomi eventually reunites with her child's father. Prudence is the daughter of Berta's daughter Cheryl Ann.

Relationships with other people[]

Charlie Harper - Berta's late former employer and close friend. Berta can be lazy and lax on the job, but Charlie is incapable of firing her out of respect, fear, and inability to run his home without her. When Charlie was dating a mean woman named Lydia, Berta quit, and not only did Charlie break up with Lydia, he agreed when Berta urged him to go to a sex-addicts' meeting. Charlie has claimed that Berta is like family to him, and he often seeks her advice. According to Chuck Lorre on the season 6 DVD, Berta and Charlie are probably best friends, although neither would ever acknowledge it. However, Charlie mentions more than once that he really loves Berta. Berta was sad when Charlie died, stating that he was the best boss she ever had. She disliked Alan moving back after Walden invited him to stay permanently as of "Nine Magic Fingers". He is succeeded by Walden Schmidt as Berta's boss after his death. After Charlie was revealed to be alive all along in the Finale, he sent Berta a huge amount of money from his song royalties, ensuring that she'd never have to work again.

Alan Harper - Berta is annoyed by Alan, whom she nicknamed "Zippy." She quit shortly after Alan moved in because he was "a persnickety son of a bitch." Alan apologized to Berta and she returned. She temporarily respected him when he dated her daughter Naomi, but only until they broke up. When Alan moved out of the house after Charlie passed away, Berta asks Alan for a hug, admitting that after everything they've been through over the years, they've been like family. This implies that Berta really does care about Alan, deep down. After his heart attack(s), Berta applies her rule of not making fun of people that could haunt her and stops calling Alan "Zippy."

Jake Harper - Berta dislikes Jake's complete lack of cleanliness, including his complete lack of care about cleanliness. She channels her extreme anger about how he leaves the bathroom into training him so well that he could "pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces."

Evelyn Harper - Berta is the only one in the Harper household who does not fear Evelyn. She often makes sarcastic remarks instead of following orders issued by Evelyn, who simply calls her "the help."

Walden Schmidt - Berta's current employer, succeeding Charlie Harper in Season 9. After Charlie's death, Berta was left without a job for a short while. Walden bought the Harper beach house and initially re-hired Berta to work as a live-in, but when he invited Alan to stay permanently, Berta reverted to part-time housekeeper to avoid living with Alan and Jake. Berta was almost fired by Walden in "Mr. Hose says 'Yes'" because Zoey and Ava were staying at his beach house for a week and she did not want to clean up after another child. In the finale Berta decided to retire after Charlie sent her a huge check, but ultimately she decided to stay.

Jenny Harper - So far, Berta has nothing against Jenny and they get along well. In fact she has had an orgy with Jenny, Walden, Jenny's friends, and James Franco.

Rose - Berta is one of Rose's friends. Although Berta is not blinded by the fact that Rose has stalked Charlie, she still thinks he should have given Rose another chance. In "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt", Berta (along with Alan and Evelyn) suspects that Rose killed Charlie, so she no longer trusts her.

Quotes[]

Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!
Berta: Hey, Skippy!

Berta: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah.
Berta: When did you become a bitch?

"You don't need to pay me, I took money from your wallet and guess what? I got a raise." - Berta

Charlie says: "I would not, I would never, I couldn't...okay, I could but I'm not", due to seeing Judith in her swimsuit.
Berta replies: "Yeah, that's what I said about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey", leaving Charlie confused.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos - Berta, when explaining to Alan that she has several tattoos. (S2,E11)

The quiet ones are always the freaks (S2, E9)
Unfortunately, the rest of you is a drunken scumbag (S8,E3)
The only difference between those two broads is that you came out of one and... (S4, E6)
Unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together? (S4, E20)
I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara (S2, E10)
Golly Moses, she's a muffin (S3, E19)
Private? You get any more traffic down there and you're gonna need to open a Starbucks (S5, E1)
Do Catholic priests make good babysitters? (S3, E4)
Did you see that b****? ! You gotta put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that! (S3, E6)
... I don't want to live in that America! (S3, E8)

"Jake: Do we have pie?
Allan: We had some, but Berta ate it."

Berta: "Leave a message after the beep." "Beep."

Trivia[]

Her last name is unknown
As of "Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie", she has appeared in more episodes than Charlie.
Season 11 is the first season that Berta appears in all the episodes of the season.
In October 2020, her portrayer Conchata Ferrell passed away after a long health battle. She is the first main-cast member to pass away, five years after the show ended.

Appearances[]

Appearances	Episode
Appearances	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21	22	23	24	Tot
Season 1																									8
Season 2																									16
Season 3																									20
Season 4																									20
Season 5																									17
Season 6																									19
Season 7																									17
Season 8																									14
Season 9																									18
Season 10																									21
Season 11																									22
Season 12