Damn You, Eggs Benedict is the 3rd episode of Season 6. It aired on October 6, 2008.

Summary[edit | edit source]

Charlie attempts cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time, and Jake takes a swig of beer.

Plot[edit | edit source]

While Charlie is trying to open a tube of cinnamon buns, Alan announces that he is dating two women at once, because if one of them dumps him, he has the other one, and doesn't have to start from scratch.

While Charlie is watching TV after having finished his baking, Jake asks him if he can have some of his beer, Charlie says that he shouldn't ask his Uncle for beer, but instead ask a guy outside the shop to buy him some. When Alan is on the phone, talking to one of the two women, he makes up a lie to her, that he is doing a little father-son bonding with Jake, on the same night she wants to see him, however, he is actually seeing the other women. When Jake hears Alan's lie, and asks if they are really going to do things together, he asks Alan if he is just using him for his own purposes, and Alan gives Jake a bribe in the form of $20.

After realizing that Alan is also seeing another woman, the woman he is with, dumps him. At the same time, Charlie gets a call from Jake, who took Charlie's advice, and asked a guy outside the shop to buy him and his friend beer with the $20 bribe from his father. Jake says he is drunk and needs Charlie to pick him up. He does so, and tells Jake, who is busy vomiting, to get in the trunk of his car so he can take him home.

Meanwhile, because one of Alan's dates has already dumped him, he goes to his other date's apartment to tell her that he can't lie anymore and that he was with another woman, but he likes her instead. When he won't leave her alone when she goes back in her apartment (it seemed like she was seeing someone else at that time), she electrocutes him with a taser. Back at home, Jake has his head in the toilet and Alan comes in wondering what has happened, Charlie tells him that he took the $20 Alan gave him and got drunk with a friend. Later, Charlie, Alan and Jake are on the balcony, Alan is still shaking from his electrocution, and Jake is vomiting over the balcony.

Cast[edit | edit source]

Guest Starring[edit | edit source]

  • Nikita Ager as Stephanie
  • Helena Mattsson as Ingrid
  • Bridget Flanery as Katie
  • Chet Grissom as Man

Quotes[edit | edit source]

  • Alan: [watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing?
  • Charlie: What does it look like I'm doing?
  • Alan: I'd rather not say.

  • Charlie: Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells.
  • Jake: Yeah, so?
  • Charlie: I rest my case.
  • Jake: What case?

  • Charlie: How would you like your eggs?
  • Jake: In an Easter basket.
  • Charlie: Scrambled it is.

  • Charlie: Hey, Alan. Can you taste my hollandaise sauce?
  • Alan: You made hollandaise sauce?
  • Charlie: You tell me.
  • Alan: [Tastes sauce] You did not make hollandaise sauce.
  • Charlie: Damn you, eggs Benedict.

  • Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
  • Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.

[Jake is throwing up after drinking]

  • Charlie: You know, your body is sending you a message.
  • Jake: Yeah, next time I need to chew my food properly. Look at that shrimp. You could polished it off and serve it again.
  • Charlie: It's also telling you that alcohol is poison.
  • Jake: Then why do you drink?
  • Charlie: Because I have things inside of me that I need killed.

  • Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you look at me and think it's easy. What you don't see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass wrangler I am today.

  • Jake: Man, I thought you were cool.
  • Charlie: You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think.

  • Berta: [reading the title of Charlie's book] "Cooking for Dummies".
  • Charlie: No offense, Jake. I'm cooking for everybody.

  • Jake: [slurring on the phone] Hey Uncle Charlie, It's me, Jakey. I'm drunk. How are you? Are you with a woman? Does she have big ones?

  • Charlie: [making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?
  • Berta: Sunny side up.
  • Charlie: Scrambled it is.
  • Berta: [picks up a cookbook] "Cooking for Dummies"?
  • Charlie: [to Jake watching TV on the couch] No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.
  • Berta: What brought this on?
  • Charlie: I don't know. I... thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.
  • Berta: [smiles] Uh-huh
  • Charlie: What?
  • Berta: I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid.
  • Charlie: You and me both.
  • Charlie, Berta: [both laugh]

Title quotation from[edit | edit source]

Charlie, once he realizes he's made a mistake in his egg recipe.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

This is the second time Jake gets drunk, the first time being in Walnuts and Demerol and the third time in Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave.

  • Evelyn and Judith do not appear in this episode.
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