Hookers, Hookers, Hookers is the 4th episode of season 8. It aired on October 11, 2010.

Summary[edit | edit source]

Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home. Charlie talks with Lyndsey's ex-husband and they talk about their lives, with others joining in.

Plot[edit | edit source]

After moving into Charlie's house, Lyndsey, Alan, Jake and Eldridge face that they have lost everything with the house fire. Alan gets comfortable and Lyndsey is still upset with him, which he tries to play off. Charlie says just let him know if anything's needed yet Alan tells Lyndsey he doesn't mean it. The next morning, Berta notices them in the kitchen and sarcastically jokes if Alan burnt down Lyndsey's house, to which he responds was an accident, surprising Berta. Charlie, Alan, Lyndsey and their kids go to check out the damage. Charlies tries to claim it's still livable. Lyndsey comes in with candles her grandmother snuck out of Poland when it was invaded. Charlie asked where she hid them. Alan and Lyndsey hated that and Charlie replied he probably isn't the only one curious. Jake accidentally spilled Eldridge was getting his weed, then changed it to wii and runs off to help get it. Charlie then gets mad when he saw Alan took his jacket before the fire. When Alan offers it back, Charlie lets him keep it as a birthday gift. Judith and Herb come to check the damage, and Judith smiles when she learns they're staying with Charlie. Then Charlie smiles when it's revealed that Herb bumps into Lyndsey every morning because he likes her. Alan is glad to see the pipe survived, yet Lyndsey looks at him and he just breaks it. Charlie makes fun of them by reading names of movies with fire based names on the tv guide. Charlie decides he wants a hooker and tries to call a quiet hooker, but realizes forgets his cellphone in the ruin. When Charlie jokes if Alan would have sex with him for $1,000 an hour, Alan considers. Going there to get it, he meets Lyndsey's ex-husband Chris McElroy (Judd Nelson). He reveals he wanted to see the damage and think back on where his marriage went wrong. Then he and Charlie think about their pasts. Chris states after sleeping with the babysitter, he got a divorce and lost his job. Charlie stated he banged his babysitter, and his mom was so mad she would drive her home or pay her. Later, they are joined by Herb, who was taking out the trash. He knows Chris as he is a legend in the neigborhood for sleeping with Eldrigde's babysitter for 2 years, which Chris counts as one mistake. Pizza guy Gordon comes to deliver a pizza that Charlie ordered and joins them in thinking about dead dreams. Alan is with Lyndsey and lies on her lap until she farts to get him off. Jake mistakens the fart for Alan's. Alan goes to take Jake home because Jake can't deal with Eldridge. Afterwards, he then notices the guys in the rubble and joins them for beer and pizza. Charlie mentions since they each slept with another's wives, they did each other, making Herb happy stating it meant he slept with Lyndsey. Drunken Alan calls Lyndsey about their discussion and informs her he's at her house. Charlie states he envious of them for having families while he has money and girls all over. Herb then states he thinks Charlie's not envious with Alan giving a sarcastic response. Chris goes to pee in the remnants of the bathroom, then Charlie admits to peeing in the vegetable tub in the fridge. Herb states he should be more like Charlie, but then states probably the next day as he has to leave after Judith's call just as Lyndsey arrives. Lyndsey comes to get Alan and forgive him, until she notices Chris and they talk about the past, completely ignoring Alan. She ends up going for coffee with Chris. Alan, with a little help from Charlie, learns she won't be back for Eldridge or him. Gordon has to get back to work, and Charlie returns to his home with a deaf hooker and Alan is left alone in the roof-less ruin. When he states his faith can't be broken, it rains and he sits underneath getting drenched.

Cast[edit | edit source]

Quotes[edit | edit source]

  • (men laughing in distance)
  • Charlie: So, Alan's, like, I don't know, five, six years old and I walk into his bedroom and he's in there with the dog, and I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no! Are you crazy?! Stop that!" Looks up at me and he says, "What?" I say "Alan, the dog is supposed to lick the peanut butter off you."
  • All: (laugh)
  • Charlie: To this day, I can't eat peanut butter.
  • Alan: Hello?
  • Charlie: Hey, we were just talking about you.
  • Alan: All good, I hope.
  • Gordon: Oh, yeah, it was good.
  • All: (laugh)
  • Alan: So, what's going on?
  • Charlie: Just having a drink with a few friends. Chris, I believe you know my brother, The man who's banging your wife and burned down your house.
  • Chris: Hi.
  • Charlie: Pull up a chair. Have a drink with your girlfriend's ex and your wife's new husband.
  • Gordon: I just brought the pizza. I don't think I've slept with anyone you know.
  • Alan: Okay.
  • Charlie: Hey, you know what I just realized? You three guys have all slept with each other.
  • Chris: What?
  • Alan: What?
  • Herb: With all due respect, Charlie, I think I'd remember that.
  • Charlie: No, no, think about it. They say that when you have sex with someone, you're basically having sex with anyone they've ever had sex with.
  • Herb: Oh. I guess you and I have done the dirty deed. because of Judith, not the peanut butter dog.
  • Alan: You told them?!
  • Charlie: I tell everybody.
  • Gordon: Wait. So Herb has slept with Alan, and Alan has slept with Chris, which means that...
  • Herb: I've slept with Lyndsey! (chuckles) Yes!

(At Charlie's Malibu Beach House) (Lyndsey passes gas, phone rings)

  • Lyndsey: Hello?
  • Alan: How could you sleep with Herb?
  • Lyndsey: Alan, is that you? Who's Herb? Where are you?
  • Alan: I'm in our house.
  • Lyndsey: What are you doing there?
  • Alan: Because there's nowhere else for me to go 'cause you won't forgive me. Why won't you forgive me?
  • Lyndsey: You're drunk.
  • Alan: Yeah, well, you farted at me.
  • Lyndsey: Good-bye, Alan.
  • Eldridge: Where's Jake?
  • Lyndsey: He left hours ago, to get away from you.
  • Eldridge: Where's Alan?
  • Lyndsey: He left to get away from me.
  • Lyndsey: Where's what's-his-name, The guy who owns the house?
  • Lyndsey: He left to get away from all of us.
  • Eldridge: Hey, this is working out pretty good, huh?

(At Lyndsey's House)

  • Charlie: You know, I envy you guys. You're all been married, have kids. Yeah, it didn't end well, but for a moment in time, each and every one of you experienced what it is to have a family, to give and receive unconditional love.
  • Herb: My marriage isn 't over.
  • Chris: Dude, you're been taking out the garbage for two-and-a-half hours.
  • Herb: I said it wasn't over, I didn't say it was good.
  • Alan: Really, Charlie, you envy us?
  • Charlie: Oh, come on, look at me. What do I have? A big house on the beach, more money then I know what to do with... And a cell phone full of candid video for me having uninhibited sex with beautiful women whose name I didn't remember. (Chuckles)
  • Herb (quietly): I don't think he envies us at all.
  • Alan: Good catch, Herb.
  • Chris: I gotta go pee.
  • Alan: Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.
  • Chris: I know where it is! I used to live here.
  • Alan: Right, right.
  • Charlie: That's a classy guy. Using the toilet in a house with no plumbing.
  • Herb: Where have you been going?
  • Charlie: Refrigerator. I filled the vegetable crisper.
  • Herb: See? That's what I love about you, Charlie. You're a maverick. I gotta start being more mavericks-ky.
  • Judith (off-screen): Herb, where the hell are you?
  • Herb: Maybe tomorrow. Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess what we figured out about you and me.
  • Judith (off-screen): Herb!
  • Herb: See ya soon.
  • Lyndsey: Alan, let's go home.
  • Alan: You came to get me?
  • Lyndsey: Yeah.
  • Alan: You forgive me?
  • Lyndsey: Well, I thought about it and...
  • Chris(off-screen): Hey, Lyndsey.
  • Lyndsey: Chris. What are you doing here?
  • Chris: Well, I came to see the damage and I just started thinking about us. What an idiot I was.
  • Lyndsey: You were, you know?
  • Chris: I'd give anything to start over.
  • Lyndsey: Really?
  • Alan: Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about to forgive me?
  • Chris: Can we go out someplace and have a cup of coffee and maybe, I don't know, just talk?
  • Alan (coughs): Babysitter.

(continues coughing)

  • Lyndsey: Well, I guess. there's nothing wrong with talking.
  • Chris: That's great. I can't tell you how much I've missed you and Eldridge.
  • Lyndsey: He really needs a father, Chris.
  • Alan: Uh, so I'll see you back at the house, right? She left her kid there; she's gotta come back.
  • Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
  • Alan: She's never coming back.
  • Gordon: (muttering)

Title quotation from[edit | edit source]

Charlie, checking his phone book for a silent hooker.

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