Come on Herb. He's crazy.
|Judith to Herb|
Judith Harper-Melnick is one of the main characters and two main antagonists (alongside Rose) of Two and a Half Men. Alan Harper's first wife, daughter of Lenore and Sheldon and the biological mother of Jake Harper and Milly Melnick. She used to be a member of the Harper Family. She was the first woman Alan ever slept with, but their marriage was cold and she said that the only time she was ever happy being sexual was when she was pregnant with Jake. Alan often calls out her hypocritical behavior (mostly directed at her disapproval of him having girlfriends around Jake, when she has had relationships with another woman and various men herself), but he also seems to still have feelings for her, going as far as having visions of her and her new husband Herb when he began dating a mutual friend of theirs. She made no secret of living luxuriously with Alan's alimony, going as far as to get breast implants. She is 50 or 51 years old as of July 2019.
She has since remarried to Dr. Herb Melnick (Ryan Stiles), Jake's pediatrician, a union that brought joy to Alan because it meant he no longer had to pay alimony. She still makes Alan pay child support for activities she doesn't want to trouble Herb with. In Season 6, she was pregnant with either Alan's or Herb's child. She gave birth to Milly Melnick in the last episode of the season, with Charlie sitting next to her. The couple divorce in season ten when Herb has an affair with his receptionist. Judith only made one appearance each in the last three seasons of the show.
The main reason Alan and Judith married in the first place was because of their similar backgrounds. Both were extremely unpopular in school, Alan being inferior to Charlie, and Judith in the shadow of her more attractive and popular sister, Jill. Both are also self conscious, needy, neurotic messes and had unsupportive families.
It was clear marrying Judith was the biggest mistake Alan ever made.
Judith kicks her first husband Alan out of his own house at the start of the series and enjoys her new single life to the fullest with her monthly alimony from Alan, living comfortably, remodeling the kitchen, vacationing in Hawaii, and even getting liposuction and breast implants. She was the first woman Alan ever slept with, but their marriage was cold and she said that the only time she was ever happy being sexual was when she was pregnant with Jake.
She clearly maintained some feelings for him, as after a break-up with a boyfriend, he comforts her and she accepts. The two begin to make out and are about to have sex until Jake and Charlie walk in on them, shocked by the sight before Charlie excuses himself and his nephew.
She made a brief attempt at reconciling with Alan, but he saw she was no different from before.
In Season 6, she and Herb have problems and he leaves her, which devastates her as it was another failed marriage. Alan goes to "console" her by trying to encourage her and she ends up making out with him when he gives her compliment. They then have sex, and Judith says that she'll never let him go. This worries Alan, but doesn't stop him from allowing a secret relationship to begin.
In Season 8, she claims that she will go crazy if Alan becomes her neighbor but this is saved when Alan burns down Lyndsey's house very short while after. She and Herb are involved in Alan's ponzi scheme as she and Herb pay him $15,000 and 6 months of child support pay. When Alan protests that the child support money is for Jake she says "Oh don't be so naive"
Judith only appeared in six episodes in Season 9. She makes a quick appearance in The Straw in My Donut Hole when Alan has a heart attack, coming to Walden's house to check on him and waive his child support payments until he regains his health.
In Season 10, she disappears from the series, but is mentioned briefly on a few occasions. Her absence is never explained until the episode Run, Steven Staven! Run!, where Herb reveals that he and Judith are no longer together after she caught him cheating on her with his receptionist. She took their daughter Milly with her, while Herb remains in their house.
Walden and Alan call her to come and help Herb in the episode Big Episode: Someone Stole A Spoon, she arrives and reunites with him.
Judith returns in the Season 11 episode, "Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin". She and Alan briefly reunite and drunkenly get engaged. The relationship comes to an end when Judith finds out that Alan proposed to Lyndsey before her.
Her final appearance on the show is in the series finale, Of Course He's Dead, when Alan calls her to tell her that despite being divorced, that she was the love of his life. Judith then responds, "How sweet." and says she's got another call and hangs up on Alan.
Judith is the personification of an Ex-Wife From Hell! While she loves her son Jake, even getting incredibly emotional when he goes off to the army, she is selfish, vindictive, unfriendly, stubborn, unfaithful, irrational, manipulative, uncaring, backstabbing, spiteful, and cruel. It's quite clear that Judith cares more about domination and control than any actual love. Judith is full of hate and venom, all of which is for Alan. She blames him constantly for everything wrong in her life including the loss of her youth as they married young and lost the better part of her life with him. Perhaps Judith's most sickening trait is her complete refusal to acknowledge her own moral failings and her quickness to blame Alan or anyone she doesn't like for her becoming the person she is. Even long after the divorce, Judith will not tolerate Alan happy in ANY form and will go to any lengths possible to keep him miserable, Which she always succeeds in doing. However it's quite clear if she hadn't married Alan, she probably never would have been married at all. Judith is never truly happy unless she knows she's succeeded in making all she hates miserable. All in all, Judith is simply a miserable, horrible woman who is immune to karmic punishment. However there have been rare instances where Charlie managed to get the better of Judith by humiliating her with merely few snide yet shrewd words which dealt a huge blow to her ego each time.
- Parents: Sheldon and Lenore
- Grandfather: Bill (Deceased)
- Unnamed Grandmother
- Sister: Liz
- Unnamed Blonde Sister
- Ex-Husband: Alan Jerome Harper (1991-2003)
- Ex-Husband: Herbert Gregory "Herb" Melnick (2007-2013)
- Ex-sibling-in-law: Myra Melnick, Charlie Harper (Deceased)
- Son: Jacob David "Jake" Harper (via Alan) (born 3/14/1994)
- Daughter: Mildred "Milly" Melnick-Harper (via Alan or Herb) (born 5/18/2009). Milly was conceived during a period when Judith and Herb were going through a rough patch and Herb had moved out. Alan and Judith briefly reconciled, but Judith eventually went back to Herb. A few weeks later, Judith announced she was pregnant, and Alan was concerned he was the father. Judith gives birth in the Season 6 finale, and in season 7, Jake mentions that Milly looks nothing like either Judith or Herb, but more like "a girl version of my dad."
- Judith Harper-Melnick was named after French actress Judith Henry, due to the fact that they are found to look extremely alike.
- Judith may have simply said she was gay in the "Pilot" as an excuse to divorce Alan.
- Judith has a very poor relationship with her parents and sister who like Alan better than her and seem to dislike Herb. They both are heavily disappointed with their daughter and her decisions, such as "ruining her marriage" with Alan and temporarily turning to lesbianism much to Judith's anger and bitterness. It's implied by Judith she goes to a therapist that prescribes heavy sedatives to her in order to help her cope with her family problems.
- Judith is likely the black sheep of her family, much like how Charlie was for the Harpers.
- She still makes Alan pay for child support. Indeed, she relishes in making Alan pay for her every expense, even sticking him with a 600 dollar bill from her lawyer affirming Alan was still required to pay alimony to her after his divorce from Kandi.
- She only lucked out in getting so much because Charlie angered the lawyer Alan hired by sleeping with her and dumping her before the case was finished.
- While she views herself as lonely and long suffering, Judith is actually quite cruel, selfish, spiteful, irrational, and vindictive.
- While a child she was a scared, needy, neurotic mess with a strange eating disorder.
- While she blames Alan and Charlie for Jake's laziness, she herself seems to have little confidence and even less patience for him.
- Her birthdate is unstated so far in the series, unlike Alan and Charlie.
- It is unknown how Judith reacted to Charlie's death after the funeral in Season 9, but she was known to despise him, so it's likely that she wasn't too upset. She can be seen in the left of the church with Herb at the funeral, which means she might have some grief over the death.
- She has a crush on Walden Schmidt.
- As of Season 9, when Judith drops Jake off to spend time with Alan at Walden's (formerly Charlie's) new beach house, Judtih coldly explains "it's your weekend to have custody of this", implying she has lost a great deal of care for him. However, this theory may have been dispelled when she expressed her emotional farewell to Jake as he left for the Army at the end of "Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!" with tears.
- In the Season 9 episode "Big Girls Don't Throw Food" episode where she and Walden kiss, Jake uses his cell phone to record them in the act without them knowing. He intends to use this as leverage to talk his mom into letting him drop out of school, though the video will more than likely resurface as Walden's "dirty laundry" always seems to pop back up.
- Though Judith once claimed Alan was controlling, it is quite obvious she was the dominator in the relationship.
- She and Alan attempted to remain friends, but as Judith became an angry and bitter shrew, she spent more time antagonizing Alan and trying to ruin his life.
- In Season 10 Run, Steven Staven! Run!, it is revealed that Judith had finally moved out of the house and divorced Herb after catching him having an affair with his receptionist, it is unknown where she is currently living or if she will make another appearance. It is unknown whether Alan can get back his house or not.
- Judith only made 6 appearances in the ninth season and just one in the tenth season. Regardless, she was still credited as a regular cast member.
- Judith married two times and divorced two times.
- As of Season 9, Marin Hinkle is no longer billed as a series regular. However, she continues to be credited as one to this day, despite only making one appearance in both Season 10 and Season 11.
- Season 11, she and Herb officially divorced. She barely mentions him or being divorced.