Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

"Laxative Tester, Horse Imseminator"
Season	7
Episode	4
Airdate	October 12, 2009
Written by	Susan Beavers & Eddie Gorodetsky (story) Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn & Mark Roberts (teleplay)
Directed by	James Widdoes
Cast
Starring	Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper Jon Cryer - Alan Harper Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper Jennifer Bini Taylor - Chelsea Melini Holland Taylor - Evelyn Harper
Chronology
Previous	Mmm, fish. Yum.
Next	For The Sake of The Child

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator is the 4th episode of Season 7. It aired on October 12, 2009.

Summary

Sick of not having a place of his own to have sex with Melissa, Alan takes a job working for Evelyn.

Plot

Chelsea tries to engage Jake in conversation about his life, girlfriend, etc. Jake asks her if she's writing a book. When he leaves, Chelsea asks Charlie why Jake resents her so much. Charlie warns her not to take it personally and that the only thing under his sullen exterior is a "D student with a perpetual boner." Still, Chelsea can't help but be offended by his comments.

On the other side of town, Melissa is trying not to be offended by Alan's cheapness. It appears that Alan's car is the only place where the two can get together because 1) Chelsea called Melissa a tramp, 2) Melissa can't take Alan around her mother (which surprises Alan that she still brings it up), and 3) Alan is too cheap to spring for a hotel. Even still, Melissa gives it the old college try, but ultimately gets angry and runs off. Alan jumps out of the car (with his pants around his ankles) and tries to run after her. Just his luck, a police car passes by and Alan tries to explain to them how he was just chasing a girl who had jumped out of his car.

Back home, the Charlie is trying to get Jake to be nicer to Chelsea, explaining to him how overly sensitive Chelsea is. But Jake either doesn't care or. To add to Charlie's frustration, Alan starts whining to him about how hard it is to carry on a relationship when you don't have a place of your own. "Why buy dog food if you can't afford the dog?" questions Charlie.

In an effort to make Charlie feel guilty, Alan takes a job as his mother's assistant. As he understands it, Evelyn will be giving him a little piece of the real estate action. As Evelyn understands it, having an assistant will give her some peace so that she can get some action. Alan takes advantage of his position and invites Melissa over to one of the houses they're showing. He tells her that he's renting the place and finally getting out of Alan's house, which seems to really turn both of them on. Unfortunately, after doing the deed, Melissa knocks over a glass of wine and it freaks Alan out. That in itself might not have been enough to make Melissa realize that the house doesn't really belong to Alan. Of course, his picking her up and running out of the house when he hears his mother coming would surely do the trick. The fact that a police car was waiting for him outside is what it takes to finally seal the deal. Melissa leaves Alan high and dry.

Cast

• Charlie Sheen
• Jon Cryer
• Angus T. Jones
• Jennifer Bini Taylor
• Holland Taylor

Title quotation from

Charlie, to Alan, naming other jobs Alan could have taken instead of working for Evelyn.