Following is an episode list for the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men
As of February 19, 2015, 262 episodes have aired, concluding the series of Two and a Half Men .
Every episode's title is a phrase said by one of the characters in that episode.
The three exceptions are the pilot episode and the episodes "Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor" and "Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers". The latter episode does fit the criterion, but the quote was part of a deleted scene which Chuck Lorre explains in the episode's vanity card.
The episode "Chocolate Diddlers, or My Puppy's Dead" is also not a direct quote; Charlie sings his song called "Chocolate Diddlers", while Alan suggests it sounds more like "My Puppy's Dead". The episode title's offering up a suggestion to which of the two titles the song could be called.
Series Overview [ ] Season 1: 2003 – 2004 [ ] Main article: Season 1
Title
Original Airdate
#
Pilot September 22, 2003
1 - 101
Big Flappy Bastards September 29, 2003
2 - 102
Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell October 6, 2003
3 - 103
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap October 13, 2003
4 - 104
Last Thing You Want Is To Wind Up With A Hump October 20, 2003
5 - 105
Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? October 27, 2003
6 - 106
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake November 3, 2003
7 - 107
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful November 11, 2003
8 - 108
Phase One, Complete November 17, 2003
9 - 109
Merry Thanksgiving November 24, 2003
10 - 110
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor December 15, 2003
11 - 111
Camel Filters And Pheromones January 5, 2004
12 - 112
Sarah Like Puny Alan January 12, 2004
13 - 113
I Can't Afford Hyenas February 2, 2004
14 - 114
Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick February 9, 2004
15 - 115
That Was Saliva, Alan February 16, 2004
16 - 116
Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats February 23, 2004
17 - 117
An Old Flame With A New Wick March 1, 2004
18 - 118
I Remember The Coat Room, I Just Don't Remember You March 22, 2004
19 - 119
Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark April 19, 2004
20 - 120
No Sniffing, No Wowing May 3, 2004
21 - 121
My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet May 10, 2004
22 - 122
Just Like Buffalo May 17, 2004
23 - 123
Can You Feel My Finger? May 24, 2004
24 - 124
Season 2: 2004 – 2005 [ ] Main article: Season 2
Title
Original Airdate
#
Back Off, Mary Poppins September 20, 2004
25 - 201
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls September 27, 2004
26 - 202
A Bag Full of Jawea October 4, 2004
27 - 203
Go Get Mommy's Bra October 11, 2004
28 - 204
Bad News from the Clinic October 18, 2004
29 - 205
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance October 25, 2004
30 - 206
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana November 8, 2004
31 - 207
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers November 15, 2004
32 - 208
Yes, Monsignor November 22, 2004
33 - 209
The Salmon Under My Sweater November 29, 2004
34 - 210
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos December 13, 2004
35 - 211
A Lungful of Alan January 3, 2005
36 - 212
Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair January 17, 2005
37 - 213
Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts January 31, 2005
38 - 214
Smell the Umbrella Stand February 7, 2005
39 - 215
Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? February 14, 2005
40 - 216
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! February 21, 2005
41 - 217
It Was Mame, Mom March 7, 2005
42 - 218
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise March 21, 2005
43 - 219
I Always Wanted A Shaved Monkey April 18, 2005
44 - 220
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On May 2, 2005
45 - 221
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother May 9, 2005
46 - 222
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab May 16, 2005
47 - 223
Does This Smell Funny to You? May 23, 2005
48 - 224
Season 3: 2005 – 2006 [ ] Main article: Season 3
Title
Original Airdate
#
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts September 19, 2005
49 - 301
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover September 26, 2005
50 - 302
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark October 3, 2005
51 - 303
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs October 10, 2005
52 - 304
We Called It Mr. Pinky October 17, 2005
53 - 305
Hi, Mr. Horned One October 24, 2005
54 - 306
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop November 7, 2005
55 - 307
That Voodoo That I Do Do November 14, 2005
56 - 308
Madame and Her Special Friend November 21, 2005
57 - 309
Something Salted and Twisted November 28, 2005
58 - 310
Santa's Village of the Damned December 19, 2005
59 - 311
That Special Tug January 9, 2006
60 - 312
Humiliation is a Visual Medium January 23, 2006
61 - 313
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded February 6, 2006
62 - 314
My Tongue Is Meat February 27, 2006
63 - 315
Ergo, The Booty Call March 6, 2006
64 - 316
The Unfortunate Little Schnauser March 13, 2006
65 - 317
The Spit-Covered Cobbler March 20, 2006
66 - 318
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin April 10, 2006
67 - 319
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro April 24, 2006
68 - 320
And the Plot Moistens May 1, 2006
69 - 321
Just Once With Aunt Sophie May 8, 2006
70 - 322
Arguments for the Quickie May 15, 2006
71 - 323
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite May 22, 2006
72 - 324
Season 4: 2006 – 2007 [ ] Main article: Season 4
Title
Original Airdate
#
Working for Caligula September 18, 2006
73 - 401
Who's Vod Kanockers? September 25, 2006
74 - 402
The Sea is a Harsh Mistress October 2, 2006
75 - 403
A Pot Smoking Monkey October 9, 2006
76 - 404
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility October 16, 2006
77 - 405
Apologies for the Frivolity October 23, 2006
78 - 406
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head November 6, 2006
79 - 407
Release the Dogs November 13, 2006
80 - 408
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour November 20, 2006
81 - 409
Kissing Abraham Lincoln November 27, 2006
82 - 410
Walnuts and Demerol December 11, 2006
83 - 411
Castrating Sheep in Montana January 8, 2007
84 - 412
Don't Worry, Speed Racer January 22, 2007
85 - 413
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami February 5, 2007
86 - 414
My Damn Stalker February 12, 2007
87 - 415
Young People Have Phlegm Too February 19, 2007
88 - 416
I Merely Slept with a Commie February 26, 2007
89 - 417
It Never Rains in Hooterville March 19, 2007
90 - 418
Smooth as a Ken Doll April 9, 2007
91 - 419
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot April 16, 2007
92 - 420
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous April 23, 2007
93 - 421
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag April 30, 2007
94 - 422
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' May 7, 2007
95 - 423
Prostitutes and Gelato May 14, 2007
96 - 424
Season 5: 2007 - 2008 [ ] Main article: Season 5
Title
Original Airdate
#
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom September 24, 2007
97 - 501
Media Room Slash Dungeon October 1, 2007
98 - 502
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo October 8, 2007
99 - 503
City of Great Racks October 15, 2007
100 - 504
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat October 22, 2007
101 - 505
Help Daddy Find His Toenail October 29, 2007
102 - 506
The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room November 5, 2007
103 - 507
Is There a Mrs. Waffles? November 12, 2007
104 - 508
Tight's Good November 19, 2007
105 - 509
Kinda Like Necrophilia November 26, 2007
106 - 510
Meander to Your Dander March 17, 2008
107 - 511
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh March 24, 2008
108 - 512
The Soil is Moist March 31, 2008
109 - 513
Winky-Dink Time April 14, 2008
110 - 514
Rough Night in Hump Junction April 21, 2008
111 - 515
Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty April 28, 2008
112 - 516
Fish in a Drawer May 5, 2008
113 - 517
If My Hole Could Talk May 12, 2008
114 - 518
Waiting for the Right Snapper May 19, 2008
115 - 519
Season 6: 2008 – 2009 [ ] Main article: Season 6
Title
Original Airdate
#
Taterhead is Our Love Child September 22, 2008
116 - 601
Pie Hole, Herb September 29, 2008
117 - 602
Damn You, Eggs Benedict October 6, 2008
118 - 603
The Flavin' and the Mavin October 13, 2008
119 - 604
A Jock Strap In Hell October 20, 2008
120 - 605
It's Always Nazi Week November 3, 2008
121 - 606
Best H.O. Money Can Buy November 10, 2008
122 - 607
Pinocchio's Mouth November 17, 2008
123 - 608
The Mooch At The Boo November 24, 2008
124 - 609
He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited December 8, 2008
125 - 610
The Devil's Lube December 15, 2008
126 - 611
Thank God for Scoliosis January 12, 2009
127 - 612
I Think You Offended Don January 19, 2009
128 - 613
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie February 2, 2009
129 - 614
I'd Like to Start with the Cat February 9, 2009
130 - 615
She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime March 2, 2009
131 - 616
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? March 9, 2009
132 - 617
My Son's Enormous Head March 16, 2009
133 - 618
The Two Finger Rule March 30, 2009
134 - 619
Hello, I am Alan Cousteau April 13, 2009
135 - 620
Above Exalted Cyclops April 27, 2009
136 - 621
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box May 4, 2009
137 - 622
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth May 11, 2009
138 - 623
Baseball Was Better With Steroids May 18, 2009
139 - 624
Season 7: 2009 – 2010 [ ] Main article: Season 7
Title
Original Airdate
#
818-jklpuzo September 21, 2009
140 - 701
Whipped Unto The Third Generation September 28, 2009
141 - 702
Mmm, fish. Yum. October 5, 2009
142 - 703
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator October 12, 2009
143 - 704
For The Sake of The Child October 19, 2009
144 - 705
Give Me Your Thumb November 2, 2009
145 - 706
Untainted by Filth November 9, 2009
146 - 707
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. November 16, 2009
147 - 708
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair November 23, 2009
148 - 709
That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" December 7, 2009
149 - 710
Warning, It's Dirty December 14, 2009
150 - 711
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste January 11, 2010
151 - 712
Yay, No Polyps! January 18, 2010
152 - 713
Crude and Uncalled For February 1, 2010
153 - 714
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche February 8, 2010
154 - 715
Tinkle Like a Princess March 1, 2010
155 - 716
I Found Your Moustache March 8, 2010
156 - 717
Ixnay On The Oggie Day March 22, 2010
157 - 718
Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave April 12, 2010
158 - 719
I Called Him Magoo May 10, 2010
159 - 720
Gumby with a Pokey May 17, 2010
160 - 721
This Is Not Gonna End Well May 23, 2010
161 - 722
Season 8: 2010 – 2011 [ ] Main article: Season 8
Title
Original Airdate
#
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud September 20, 2010
162 - 801
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer September 27, 2010
163 - 802
A Pudding-Filled Cactus October 4, 2010
164 - 803
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers October 11, 2010
165 - 804
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel October 18, 2010
166 - 805
Twanging Your Magic Clanger October 25, 2010
167 - 806
The Crazy Bitch Gazette November 1, 2010
168 - 807
Springtime on a Stick November 8, 2010
169 - 808
A Good Time in Central Africa November 15, 2010
170 - 809
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop November 22, 2010
171 - 810
Dead from the Waist Down December 6, 2010
172 - 811
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead December 13, 2010
173 - 812
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup January 3, 2011
174 - 813
Lookin' for Japanese Subs January 17, 2011
175 - 814
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak February 7, 2011
176 - 815
That Darn Priest February 14, 2011
177 - 816
Season 9: 2011 – 2012 [ ] Main article: Season 9
Title
Original Airdate
#
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt September 19, 2011
178 - 901
People Who Love Peepholes September 26, 2011
179 - 902
Big Girls Don't Throw Food October 3, 2011
180 - 903
Nine Magic Fingers October 10, 2011
181 - 904
A Giant Cat Holding A Churro October 17, 2011
182 - 905
The Squat and the Hover October 24, 2011
183 - 906
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets October 31, 2011
184 - 907
Thanks for the Intercourse November 7, 2011
185 - 908
Frodo's Headshots November 14, 2011
186 - 909
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes November 21, 2011
187 - 910
What A Lovely Standing Strip December 5, 2011
188 - 911
One False Move, Zimbabwe! December 12, 2011
189 - 912
Slowly, And In A Circular Fashion January 2, 2012
190 - 913
A Possum on Chemo January 16, 2012
191 - 914
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack February 6, 2012
192 - 915
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy February 13, 2012
193 - 916
Not In My Mouth! February 20, 2012
194 - 917
The War Against Gingivitis February 27, 2012
195 - 918
Palmdale, Ech March 19, 2012
196 - 919
Grandma's Pie April 9, 2012
197 - 920
Mr. Hose Says "Yes" April 16, 2012
198 - 921
Why We Gave Up Women April 30, 2012
199 - 922
The Straw In My Donut Hole May 7, 2012
200 - 923
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! May 14, 2012
201 - 924
Season 10: 2012 – 2013 [ ] Main article: Season 10
Title
Original Airdate
#
I Changed My Mind About the Milk September 27, 2012
202 - 1001
A Big Bag of Dog October 4, 2012
203 - 1002
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt October 11, 2012
204 - 1003
You Know What The Lollipop Is For October 18, 2012
205 - 1004
That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam October 25, 2012
206 - 1005
Ferrets, Attack! November 1, 2012
207 - 1006
Avoid The Chinese Mustard November 8, 2012
208 - 1007
Something My Gynecologist Said November 15, 2012
209 - 1008
I Scream When I Pee November 29, 2012
210 - 1009
One Nut Johnson December 6, 2012
211 - 1010
Give Santa a Tail-Hole December 13, 2012
212 - 1011
Welcome to Alancrest January 3, 2013
213 - 1012
Grab A Feather And Get In Line January 10, 2013
214 - 1013
Run, Steven Staven! Run! January 31, 2013
215 - 1014
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It February 7, 2013
216 - 1015
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby February 14, 2013
217 - 1016
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries February 21, 2013
218 - 1017
The 9:04 From Pemberton March 7, 2013
219 - 1018
Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon March 14, 2013
220 - 1019
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show April 4, 2013
221 - 1020
Another Night With Neil Diamond April 25, 2013
222 - 1021
My Bodacious Vidalia May 2, 2013
223 - 1022
Cows, Prepare to be Tipped May 9, 2013
224 - 1023
Season 11: 2013 – 2014 [ ] Main article: Season 11
Title
Original Airdate
#
Nangnangnangnang September 26, 2013
225 - 1101
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball October 3, 2013
226 - 1102
This Unblessed Biscuit October 10, 2013
227 - 1103
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank October 17, 2013
228 - 1104
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 October 24, 2013
229 - 1105
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants November 7, 2013
230 - 1106
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie November 14, 2013
231 - 1107
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. November 21, 2013
232 - 1108
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer December 5, 2013
233 - 1109
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! December 12, 2013
234 - 1110
Tazed In The Lady Nuts January 2, 2014
235 - 1111
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. January 9, 2014
236 - 1112
Bite Me, Supreme Court January 30, 2014
237 - 1113
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe February 6, 2014
238 - 1114
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin February 27, 2014
239 - 1115
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper March 6, 2014
240 - 1116
Welcome Home, Jake March 13, 2014
241 - 1117
West Side Story April 3, 2014
242 - 1118
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang April 10, 2014
243 - 1119
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia April 24, 2014
244 - 1120
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot May 1, 2014
245 - 1121
Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead May 8, 2014
246 - 1122
Season 12: 2014 – 2015 [ ] Main article: Season 12
Title
Original Airdate
#
The Ol' Mexican Spinach October 30, 2014
247 - 1201
A Chic Bar in Ibiza November 6, 2014
248 - 1202
Glamping in a Yurt November 13, 2014
249 - 1203
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight November 20, 2014
250 - 1204
Oontz, Oontz, Oontz November 27, 2014
251 - 1205
Alan Shot a Little Girl December 4, 2014
252 - 1206
Sex With an Animated Ed Asner December 11, 2014
253 - 1207
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey December 18, 2014
254 - 1208
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey January 8, 2015
255 - 1209
Here I Come, Pants! January 15, 2015
256 - 1210
For Whom the Booty Calls January 22, 2015
257 - 1211
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off January 29, 2015
258 - 1212
Boompa Loved His Hookers February 5, 2015
259 - 1213
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun February 12, 2015
260 - 1214
Of Course He's Dead February 19, 2015
261/262 - 1215/1216
