Two and a Half Men Wiki
Don't have an account?
Register
Two and a Half Men Wiki
Advertisement
Register
Two and a Half Men Wiki
Two adults. One kid. No grown-ups.
706
pages
in: Episodes, Season 3

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Sign in to edit

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover is the 2nd episode of Season 3. It originally aired on September 26, 2005.

Summary[]

Alan has to lobby the principal to keep Jake from getting expelled, while Charlie is left to manage the chiropractic office for the day.

Plot[]

Alan is fed up with Charlie after he doesn't pick up Jake from school after he gets in trouble. Jake having drawn a dirty picture of a large breasted girl in his class named Barbara, which he titled Boobra Scmidt. Charlie, despite not being able to recall a time where he was there for him, insists that Alan can count on him, and asks for a chance to make it up to him. Taking him up on the offer, Alan asks Charlie to fill in for his sick secretary at his office while he goes to talk to the Principal at Jake's school.

Charlie is surprised by how boring Alan's daily routine is as they sit in gridlock. Alan takes Charlie to his clinic and tells him how to be a secretary for the day. Later after Alan leaves, an extremely attractive women comes in asking to be interviewed for the masseuse position. Charlie hires her on the spot, and when she has sex with a customer and Charlie gets paid, he has an idea...

At Jake's school, Alan meets Barbara's mother, Mindy who is very well endowed herself. Unfortunately all his attempts to appear sympathetic to well endowed women have the opposite effect, and things only get worse when he meets Principal Gallagher.

Alan returns from Jake's school at the end of the day, and finds that Charlie has turned his clinic into a brothel. With attractive lady masseuses having sex with his patients, and Charlie making a boat load of money.

On their way home Alan and Charlie sit stuck in gridlock. Alan explains that Jake has been suspended for a week. Meanwhile Principal Gallagher's gay lover is more than likely going to give Alan a visit and beat him up. Charlie tells him to lighten up, saying he could use a massage as he comes up with an idea for running a "massage" business on the trunk of his car.

Cast[]

Quotes[]

  • Mindy: Let me tell you something. Puberty is hard enough for a young girl without having to be leered at and made fun of by obnoxious little boys.
    Alan: I couldn't agree with you more. And I can assure you that I have had a long talk with Jake about it is to objectify women's...
    stares down at her breasts
    Mindy: Up here. I'm up here.
    Alan: I know. I know. I see you. A-A-And let me tell you something.There is no one more sympathetic than I to the plight of the large-breasted woman.
    Mindy: "Plight"? It's not an affliction.
    Alan: Well, no, not the breasts themselves, but the attendant back problems associated with carrying the enormous load.
    Mindy: So now my breasts are a "load"?
    Alan: From a strictly engineering standpoint, yes. See-see, I am a chiropractor, and I deal with and heartache of MMS all the time.
    Mindy:MMS?
    Alan: Massive Mammary Syndrone. It's a term I coined in an article I submitted to the journal of the American Chiropractic Association. It hasn't really caught on. Anyway, MMS is particularly acute among strippers, but they bring it on themselves with those humongous implants. Yours, on the other hand, appear quite natural. God-given, am I right?
    Mindy: What the hell is wrong with you?
    Alan: I don't know. I was a bottle baby.
    Stares at her breasts but quickly turns away to avoid being caught
    Alan: I am really sorry.
    Mindy: Just drop it.
    Alan: You know, in my defense... well, in defense of all men, we do live in a mammo-centric society.
    Mindy: Mammo-centric?
    Alan: Another coinage of mine. Hasn't really permeated the cultural zeltgeist.Stares at her breasts
    Mindy: Hey bottle baby. I'm up here!
    Alan: That-that perfectly illustrates my points... point. From the moment we are born, we are basically bombarded by breasts. Breasts in advertising, breasts in television, breasts in movies. Here a breast, there a breast, everywhere a breast, breast... Heck, you can understand the fixation.
    Mindy: You're a horrible little man.
    Alan: OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we're going to just degenerate into name-calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.
    Mindy: Fine. We'll let the Principal decide.
    Alan: OK.
    Principal Gallagher: I'm Principal Gallagher.
    Alan: (shocked to see she has big breasts) Oh God, my son's gonna get the chair.

Title quotation from[]

Alan, naming a female who may come round to kick his ass later that night.

Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts • Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover • Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark • Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs • We Called It Mr. Pinky • Hi, Mr. Horned One • Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop • That Voodoo That I Do Do • Madame and Her Special Friend • Something Salted and Twisted • Santa's Village of the Damned • That Special Tug • Humiliation is a Visual Medium • Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded • My Tongue Is Meat • Ergo, The Booty Call • The Unfortunate Little Schnauser • The Spit-Covered Cobbler • Golly Moses, She's a Muffin • Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro • And the Plot Moistens • Just Once With Aunt Sophie • Arguments for the Quickie • That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for Caligula • Who's Vod Kanockers? • The Sea is a Harsh Mistress • A Pot Smoking Monkey • A Live Woman of Proven Fertility • Apologies for the Frivolity • Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head • Release the Dogs • Corey's Been Dead for an Hour • Kissing Abraham Lincoln • Walnuts and Demerol • Castrating Sheep in Montana • Don't Worry, Speed Racer • That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami • My Damn Stalker • Young People Have Phlegm Too • I Merely Slept with a Commie • It Never Rains in Hooterville • Smooth as a Ken Doll • Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot • Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous • Mr. McGlue's Feedbag • Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' • Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzo • Whipped Unto The Third Generation • Mmm, fish. Yum. • Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator • For The Sake of The Child • Give Me Your Thumb • Untainted by Filth • Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. • Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair • That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" • Warning, It's Dirty • Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste • Yay, No Polyps! • Crude and Uncalled For • Aye, Aye, Captain Douche • Tinkle Like a Princess • I Found Your Moustache • Ixnay On The Oggie Day • Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave • I Called Him Magoo • Gumby with a Pokey • This Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud • A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer • A Pudding-Filled Cactus • Hookers, Hookers, Hookers • The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel • Twanging Your Magic Clanger • The Crazy Bitch Gazette • Springtime on a Stick • A Good Time in Central Africa • Ow, Ow, Don't Stop • Dead from the Waist Down • Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead • Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup • Lookin' for Japanese Subs • Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak • That Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt • People Who Love Peepholes • Big Girls Don't Throw Food • Nine Magic Fingers • A Giant Cat Holding a Churro • The Squat and the Hover • Those Fancy Japanese Toilets • Thank You For The Intercourse • Frodo's Headshots • A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes • What A Lovely Landing Strip • One False Move, Zimbabwe! • Slowly and In A Circular Fashion • A Possum on Chemo • The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack • Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy • Not In My Mouth! • The War Against Gingivitis • Palmdale, Ech • Grandma's Pie • Mr. Hose Says "Yes" • Why We Gave Up Women • The Straw In My Donut Hole • Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the Milk • A Big Bag of Dog • Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt • You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For • That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam • Ferrets, Attack! • Avoid The Chinese Mustard • Something My Gynecologist Said • I Scream When I Pee • One Nut Johnson • Give Santa a Tail-Hole • Welcome to Alancrest • Grab A Feather And Get In Line • Run, Steven Staven! Run! • Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It • Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby • Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries • The 9:04 From Pemberton • Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon • Bazinga! That's From a TV Show • Another Night With Neil Diamond • My Bodacious Vidalia • Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
Nangnangnangnang • I Think I Banged Lucille Ball • This Unblessed Biscuit • Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank • Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 • Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants • Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie • Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. • Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer • On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! • Tazed In The Lady Nuts • Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. • Bite Me, Supreme Court • Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe • Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin • How to Get Rid of Alan Harper • Welcome Home, Jake • West Side Story • Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang • Lotta Delis in Little Armenia • Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot • Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican Spinach • A Chic Bar in Ibiza • Glamping in a Yurt • Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight • Oontz, Oontz, Oontz • Alan Shot a Little Girl • Sex With an Animated Ed Asner • Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey • Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey • Here I Come, Pants! • For Whom the Booty Calls • A Beer-Battered Rip-Off • Boompa Loved His Hookers • Don't Give a Monkey a Gun • Of Course He's Dead
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
Advertisement