Alan has to lobby the principal to keep Jake from getting expelled, while Charlie is left to manage the chiropractic office for the day.
Plot[]
Alan is fed up with Charlie after he doesn't pick up Jake from school after he gets in trouble. Jake having drawn a dirty picture of a large breasted girl in his class named Barbara, which he titled Boobra Scmidt. Charlie, despite not being able to recall a time where he was there for him, insists that Alan can count on him, and asks for a chance to make it up to him. Taking him up on the offer, Alan asks Charlie to fill in for his sick secretary at his office while he goes to talk to the Principal at Jake's school.
Charlie is surprised by how boring Alan's daily routine is as they sit in gridlock. Alan takes Charlie to his clinic and tells him how to be a secretary for the day. Later after Alan leaves, an extremely attractive women comes in asking to be interviewed for the masseuse position. Charlie hires her on the spot, and when she has sex with a customer and Charlie gets paid, he has an idea...
At Jake's school, Alan meets Barbara's mother, Mindy who is very well endowed herself. Unfortunately all his attempts to appear sympathetic to well endowed women have the opposite effect, and things only get worse when he meets Principal Gallagher.
Alan returns from Jake's school at the end of the day, and finds that Charlie has turned his clinic into a brothel. With attractive lady masseuses having sex with his patients, and Charlie making a boat load of money.
On their way home Alan and Charlie sit stuck in gridlock. Alan explains that Jake has been suspended for a week. Meanwhile Principal Gallagher's gay lover is more than likely going to give Alan a visit and beat him up. Charlie tells him to lighten up, saying he could use a massage as he comes up with an idea for running a "massage" business on the trunk of his car.
Mindy: Let me tell you something. Puberty is hard enough for a young girl without having to be leered at and made fun of by obnoxious little boys. Alan: I couldn't agree with you more. And I can assure you that I have had a long talk with Jake about it is to objectify women's... stares down at her breasts Mindy: Up here. I'm up here. Alan: I know. I know. I see you. A-A-And let me tell you something.There is no one more sympathetic than I to the plight of the large-breasted woman. Mindy: "Plight"? It's not an affliction. Alan: Well, no, not the breasts themselves, but the attendant back problems associated with carrying the enormous load. Mindy: So now my breasts are a "load"? Alan: From a strictly engineering standpoint, yes. See-see, I am a chiropractor, and I deal with and heartache of MMS all the time. Mindy:MMS? Alan: Massive Mammary Syndrone. It's a term I coined in an article I submitted to the journal of the American Chiropractic Association. It hasn't really caught on. Anyway, MMS is particularly acute among strippers, but they bring it on themselves with those humongous implants. Yours, on the other hand, appear quite natural. God-given, am I right? Mindy: What the hell is wrong with you? Alan: I don't know. I was a bottle baby. Stares at her breasts but quickly turns away to avoid being caught Alan: I am really sorry. Mindy: Just drop it. Alan: You know, in my defense... well, in defense of all men, we do live in a mammo-centric society. Mindy: Mammo-centric? Alan: Another coinage of mine. Hasn't really permeated the cultural zeltgeist.Stares at her breasts Mindy: Hey bottle baby. I'm up here! Alan: That-that perfectly illustrates my points... point. From the moment we are born, we are basically bombarded by breasts. Breasts in advertising, breasts in television, breasts in movies. Here a breast, there a breast, everywhere a breast, breast... Heck, you can understand the fixation. Mindy: You're a horrible little man. Alan: OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we're going to just degenerate into name-calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be. Mindy: Fine. We'll let the Principal decide. Alan: OK. Principal Gallagher: I'm Principal Gallagher. Alan: (shocked to see she has big breasts) Oh God, my son's gonna get the chair.
Title quotation from[]
Alan, naming a female who may come round to kick his ass later that night.
