Run, Steven Staven! Run! is the 14th episode of season 10. It aired on January 31, 2013.


After Lyndsey waits outside the beach house for an hour before Alan gets home (forcing her to urinate in the shrubs), she gets upset with Alan when he refuses to give her a key to the house. Alan reasons that he cannot give her a key because the house belongs to Walden. When Alan goes to apologize, he discovers that she is going on a date with her gynecologist, Steven Staven (Willie Garson). Meanwhile, Walden is despondent over his breakup with Kate and Billy gets dumped by Walden's ex-wife Bridget. They also run into Herb, who reveals that Judith left him after she caught him cheating on her with his receptionist. The four, bonding over their relationships-gone-bad, go for a night out without picking up any women. While in the hot tub at Herb's place, Walden, Billy and Herb ridicule Alan's reason for leaving Lyndsey, and encourage him to get her back, as he is the only one of the group who has a chance. Walden has no problem with her having a key, and Alan admits he really just wanted some occasional space from Lyndsey. With help from the others, who grab Steven, Alan gives Lyndsey a key and confesses that while she can do better than him, he cannot do better than her. The two reconcile. Steven reveals to the others that it would not have worked out with him and Lyndsey anyway, and they end up running from a rottweiler, leaving Herb behind.



  • Lyndsey: Nothing to talk about.
  • Alan: Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done... She's mad at me.
  • Herb: They're hot when, they're angry, aren't they?
  • Alan: Oh, Herb. Geez, you scared me.
  • Herb: Little trouble in paradise?
  • Alan: Oh, yeah, you know, relationships...
  • Herb: Hey, want to come across the street for a beer and talk about it?
  • Alan: Oh, sure. Thanks. So, uh what are you doing over here anyway?
  • Herb: Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out for her 6:15 jog.
  • Alan: Oh, you jog with her?
  • Herb: No.
  • (At Judith & Herb's House)
  • Alan: Oh, you know, I don't think Judith is going to be, too happy to see me.
  • Herb: Oh, don't worry. She's gone.
  • Alan: Okay, when you say "gone"  do you mean she's travelng, or is her head in that cooler
  • Herb: She left me, Al.
  • Alan: Oh, my God, what happened?
  • Herb: Yeah, I had a moment of weakness with my  receptionist. Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness.
  • Alan: Uh, a half?
  • Herb: Judith walked in during 37.
  • Alan: Herb, how could you?
  • Herb: This is my receptionist.
  • Alan: I would have finished 37 while she was watching.

  • Billy: Hey, man, thanks for inviting me over. I really appreciate it.
  • Walden: Ah, come one, you'd do the same thing for me.
  • Billy: We both know that's not true. but ut's sweet of you to say.
  • Walden: And besides, breakups are like a bruise, and I want to be there when yours turns from dark purple to yellow.
  • Billy: That is the meanest thing you've ever said. Kudos. Okay, here's a question: who's your dream schtupp?
  • Walden: What?
  • Billy: Any woman in the world, one night, who's it going to be?
  • Walden: Oh, that's easy: Kate.
  • Billy: Oh, see, right there. That's why I wouldn't have you over. Who picks their ex-girlfriends? I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world.
  • Walden: Okay, dead or alive?
  • Billy: (scoffs) It doesn't matter.
  • Walden: Do I have to know her?
  • Billy: Nope.
  • Walden: What if she doesn't like me?
  • Billy: I... for the love of God. In the game she has to like you.
  • Walden: Okay. Can she be animated?
  • Billy: Like a-like a cartoon? What? You want to be chomped by Ms. Paceman?
  • Walden: No, but I always had these werid feelings when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag.
  • Billy: Fine, she can be animated.
  • Walden: Her place or mine?
  • Billy: Who cares?
  • Walden: I do. It's hard for me to relax in strange surroundings.
  • Billy: Okay, you know what? Just forget it.
  • Walden: But-but I didn't pick a girl.
  • Billy: Just shut up. You ruin everything.
  • Walden: Mother Teresa.
  • Billy: What?!
  • Walden: That woman gave her whole life for the benefit of mankind. And one man should give her a little something back.
  • Alan: Hey guys.
  • Walden: Hey!
  • Billy: Oh, hey. Hi. Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller than I would have thought.
  • Alan: Herb, uh, you remember Walden. This is Billy.
  • Herb: Oh. Hello, Billy. Alan tells me you got, uh, dumped by Walden's ex-wife. Yeah. I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife. I guess that makes us dump brothers.
  • Billy (laughing): That's uh...  Who is this guy?
  • Walden: You don't recognize your own dump brother?
  • Alan: Herb is the most recent victim  of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind.
  • Billy: Oh, it sounds like just the kind of horrible ball-breaker I always end up with.
  • Walden: Hm-hmm.
  • Billy: She available?
  • Herb: Not emotionally.
  • Alan: And she's only physically available twice a year.
  • Herb: Twice.
  • Alan: Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day.
  • Herb: Oh, that explains it. My birthday's on Valentine's Day.
  • Walden: I thought you were going to see Lyndsey.
  • Alan: I did... right as she was going out on a date.
  • Billy: Gut-punch.
  • Walden: Yikes.
  • Herb: With her gynecologist.
  • Walden: Shut up!
  • Alan: What?
  • Billy: That man is a trained vagina handler. You do not want him down there.
  • Alan: He-He's already been down there.
  • Walden: Yeah, on business. You don't want him to return on a pleasure cruise.
  • Billy: I mean, I mean, he could take apart and reassemble her undercarriage blindfold.
  • Herb: You're more like a guy trying to put a bookshelf together from IKEA.
  • Alan: Well, you know what? I don't care. I don't need her.
  • Billy: That's a good attitude.
  • Walden: Hm-hmm.
  • Herb: Exactly, Who needs women?
  • Billy: Not me.
  • Walden: Me, neither.
  • Alan: Uh-uh.
  • Walden: Know what we should do?
  • Billy: Go to a bar and pick up some women?
  • Alan & Walden: Yup.

  • Alan: (sighs) I don't know what the problem is.This is delighteul. Oh! Oh, boy.
  • Lyndsey: Alan?
  • Alan: Oh Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi Hi. I-I just need two minutes.
  • Lyndsey: Were you peeing in my bushes?
  • Alan: What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh... I'm Alan Harper.
  • Dr. Steven Staven: No thanks.
  • Lyndsey: Alan, this is not a good time.
  • Alan: Okay, just-just hear me out, okay?
  • Dr. Steven Staven: Look, she said this wasn't a good time.
  • Walden: Get him!
  • Alan: Whoa, whoa.
  • Lyndsey: Walden, what are you doing?
  • Dr. Steven Staven: Hey, put me down.
  • Walden: You'll thank us later.
  • Dr. Steven Staven: What are you doing? Put me down. Who are you?
  • Herb: You look lovely, Lyndsey.
  • Lyndsey: What the hell is going on?
  • Alan: I swear I had nothing to do with this?
  • Lyndsey: What why did they just take my date away?
  • Alan: Don't worry I-I think they just want to help.
  • Lyndsey: Help of what?

  • Walden: Sorry about kidnapping you.
  • Steven Staven: Ah, don't worry about it. It was never gonna work with Lyndsey and me. Outside of her vagina, we have nothing in common.
  • Herb: Doctor, an I ask you a medical question? Is it beautiful?
  • Walden: Herb. Sorry about that, Dr. Staven.
  • Steven Staven: Oh, please, call me Steven.
  • Walden: Well, Steven Staven?
  • Steven Staven: It's made, a stronger person.
  • Herb: You know, you wear that robe better than Judith ever did.
  • Billy: Really? I feel boxy.
  • Herb: No, no.
  • (Dog barks)
  • Billy: What was that?
  • (Dog growling)
  • Walden: Uh-oh.
  • Billy: Oh, crap.
  • Walden: Run, Steven Staven! Run!
  • (Herb, Billy, Steven & Walden are running in the sidewalk)
  • Herb: Oh, wait!
  • Billy: Herb's down!
  • Walden: Leave him!
  • Herb: Oh, dear God, help me! Tell Lyndsey I love her!


Title quotation fromEdit

Walden, as he, Steven, Herb and Billy flee from a rottweiler.

Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
PilotBig Flappy BastardsGo East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of HellIf I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A NapThe Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A HumpDid You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys?If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually FakeTwenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-fulPhase One, CompleteMerry ThanksgivingAlan Harper, Frontier ChiropractorCamel Filters And PheromonesSarah Like Puny AlanI Can't Afford HyenasRound One To The Hot Crazy ChickThat Was Saliva, AlanAte The Hamburgers, Wearing The HatsAn Old Flame With A New WickI Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember YouHey, I Can Pee Outside In The DarkNo Sniffing, No WowingMy Doctor Has A Cow PuppetJust Like BuffaloCan You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary PoppinsEnjoy Those Garlic BallsA Bag Full of JaweaGo Get Mommy's BraBad News from the ClinicThe Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal VigilanceA Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in FontanaFrankenstein and the Horny VillagersYes, MonsignorThe Salmon Under My SweaterLast Chance to See Those TattoosA Lungful of AlanZejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My HairThose Big Pink Things With CoconutsSmell the Umbrella StandCan You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!It Was Mame, MomA Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping NoiseI Always Wanted a Shaved MonkeyA Sympathetic Crotch to Cry OnThat Old Hose Bag Is My MotherSquab, Squab, Squab, Squab, SquabDoes This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic GymnastsPrincipal Gallagher's Lesbian LoverCarpet Burns and a Bite MarkYour Dismissive Attitude Toward BoobsWe Called It Mr. PinkyHi, Mr. Horned OneSleep Tight, Puddin' PopThat Voodoo That I Do DoMadame and Her Special FriendSomething Salted and TwistedSanta's Village of the DamnedThat Special TugHumiliation is a Visual MediumLove Isn't Blind, It's RetardedMy Tongue Is MeatErgo, The Booty CallThe Unfortunate Little SchnauserThe Spit-Covered CobblerGolly Moses, She's a MuffinAlways a Bridesmaid, Never a BurroAnd the Plot MoistensJust Once With Aunt SophieArguments for the QuickieThat Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for CaligulaWho's Vod Kanockers?The Sea is a Harsh MistressA Pot Smoking MonkeyA Live Woman of Proven FertilityApologies for the FrivolityRepeated Blows to His Unformed HeadRelease the DogsCorey's Been Dead for an HourKissing Abraham LincolnWalnuts and DemerolCastrating Sheep in MontanaDon't Worry, Speed RacerThat's Summer Sausage, Not SalamiMy Damn StalkerYoung People Have Phlegm TooI Merely Slept with a CommieIt Never Rains in HootervilleSmooth as a Ken DollAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a LotTucked, Taped and GorgeousMr. McGlue's FeedbagAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and MomMedia Room Slash DungeonDum Diddy Dum Diddy DooCity of Great RacksPutting Swim Fins on a CatHelp Daddy Find His ToenailThe Leather Gear Is in the Guest RoomIs There a Mrs. Waffles?Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar LidsKinda Like NecrophiliaMeander to Your DanderA Little Clammy and None Too FreshThe Soil is MoistWinky-Dink TimeRough Night in Hump JunctionLook at Me, Mommy, I'm PrettyFish in a DrawerIf My Hole Could TalkWaiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love ChildPie Hole, HerbDamn You, Eggs BenedictThe Flavin' and the Mavin'A Jock Strap In HellIt's Always Nazi WeekBest H.O. Money Can BuyPinocchio's MouthThe Mooch At The BooHe Smelled The Ham, He Got ExcitedThe Devil's LubeThank God for ScoliosisI Think You Offended DonDavid Copperfield Slipped Me a RoofieI'd Like to Start with the CatShe'll Still Be Dead at HalftimeThe 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?My Son's Enormous HeadThe Two Finger RuleHello, I am Alan CousteauAbove Exalted CyclopsSir Lancelot's Litter BoxGood Morning, Mrs. ButterworthBaseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzoWhipped Unto The Third GenerationMmm, fish. Yum.Laxative Tester, Horse InseminatorFor The Sake of The ChildGive Me Your ThumbUntainted by FilthGorp. Fnark. Schmegle.Captain Terry's Spray-On HairThat's Why They Call It "Ball Room"Warning, It's DirtyFart Jokes, Pie and CelesteYay, No Polyps!Crude and Uncalled ForAye, Aye, Captain DoucheTinkle Like a PrincessI Found Your MoustacheIxnay On The Oggie DayKeith Moon Is Vomiting In His GraveI Called Him MagooGumby with a PokeyThis Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named BudA Bottle of Wine and a JackhammerA Pudding-Filled CactusHookers, Hookers, HookersThe Immortal Mr. Billy JoelTwanging Your Magic ClangerThe Crazy Bitch GazetteSpringtime on a StickA Good Time in Central AfricaOw, Ow, Don't StopDead from the Waist DownChocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's DeadSkunk, Dog Crap and KetchupLookin' for Japanese SubsThree Hookers and a Philly CheesesteakThat Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden SchmidtPeople Who Love PeepholesBig Girls Don't Throw FoodNine Magic FingersA Giant Cat Holding a ChurroThe Squat and the HoverThose Fancy Japanese ToiletsThank You For The IntercourseFrodo's HeadshotsA Fishbowl Full of Glass EyesWhat A Lovely Landing StripOne False Move, Zimbabwe!Slowly and In A Circular FashionA Possum on ChemoThe Duchess of Dull-in-SackSips, Sonnets and SodomyNot In My Mouth!The War Against GingivitisPalmdale, EchGrandma's PieMr. Hose Says "Yes"Why We Gave Up WomenThe Straw In My Donut HoleOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the MilkA Big Bag of DogFour Balls, Two Bats and One MittYou Do Know What The Lollipop Is ForThat's Not What They Call It In AmsterdamFerrets, Attack!Avoid The Chinese MustardSomething My Gynecologist SaidI Scream When I PeeOne Nut JohnsonGive Santa a Tail-HoleWelcome to AlancrestGrab A Feather And Get In LineRun, Steven Staven! Run!Paint It, Pierce It or Plug ItAdvantage: Fat, Flying BabyThrogwarten Middle School MysteriesThe 9:04 From PembertonBig Episode. Someone Stole A SpoonBazinga! That's From a TV ShowAnother Night With Neil DiamondMy Bodacious VidaliaCows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
NangnangnangnangI Think I Banged Lucille BallThis Unblessed BiscuitClank, Clank, Drunken SkankAlan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003Justice in Star-Spangled Hot PantsSome Kind of Lesbian ZombieMr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.Numero Uno Accidente LawyerOn Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!Tazed In The Lady NutsBaseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.Bite Me, Supreme CourtThree Fingers of Crème de MentheCab Fare and a Bottle of PenicillinHow to Get Rid of Alan HarperWelcome Home, JakeWest Side StoryLan Mao Shi Zai Wuding ShangLotta Delis in Little ArmeniaDial 1-900-Mix-A-LotOh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican SpinachA Chic Bar in IbizaGlamping in a YurtThirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-EightOontz, Oontz, OontzAlan Shot a Little GirlSex With an Animated Ed AsnerFamily, Bublé, Deep-Fried TurkeyBouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, LyndseyHere I Come, Pants!For Whom the Booty CallsA Beer-Battered Rip-OffBoompa Loved His HookersDon't Give a Monkey a GunOf Course He's Dead
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