Two and a Half Men Wiki

Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman named Wanda (Diora Baird) from his bedroom before Chelsea returns from her ex-mother-in-law's funeral; Jake seems to recognize Wanda but doesn't realize that she is a pin-up girl on one of his posters. Meanwhile, Alan won't let Jake drive the car.



  • Charlie: Wanda, what are you doing here?

  • Alan: Oh my god, what happened?

  • Jake: Enough talk, let's get to it.

  • Charlie: Slowly. Slowly.
  • (doorbell rings)
  • Charlie: Quickly. Quickly. Hi, baby. Come on in.
  • Chelsea: Oh, Charlie. you are so right about Alex.
  • Charlie: Alex? Oh, yeah. Alex. What a sleazeball. Can I get you something to drink?
  • Chelsea: No. I just want to get in bed and hold you.
  • Charlie: Oh, boy, does that sound good. Let me just say good night to Jake.
  • Chelsea: Okay. I'll meet you upstairs.
  • Charlie: You know what? Why don't you come say good night, too?
  • Chelsea: Why?
  • Charlie: Well, you're my girlfriend, and he's my nephew, and... isn't that enough? Hey, Jake...
  • Jake: You might want to hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
  • Chelsea: What?
  • Jake: I farted. Sorry. I get the fancy words from my dad.
  • Charlie: Anyway, Chelsea and I just wanted to say good night.
  • Jake: Okay.
  • Charlie: He keeps his feelings bottled up. Everything else he shoots into the atmosphere.
  • Alan: Hi, Chelsea.
  • Chelsea: Hi, Alan.
  • Alan: Uh, sorry to hear about your ex-mother-in-law.
  • Chelsea: Oh, thank you.
  • Alan: Oh, hey, Jake. Uh, I could really use for help.
  • Jake': Of what?
  • Alan: I'm taking out the... whew! I'm taking out the trash.
  • Jake: What are you talking about?
  • Alan: The trash. I'm taking it out, and I could use your help carrying it.
  • Jake: Oh. So now you want my help?
  • Alan: Yes, now I want your help.
  • Jake: What about the 20 bucks you owe me?
  • Alan: Charlie?
  • Charlie: Here.
  • Jake: Is the trash still out where you can see it?
  • Charlie: Never mind. Just go help your father.
  • Jake: Fine.
  • Alan: Nice seeing you, Chelsea.
  • Chelsea: Good night.
  • Jake: I could have said 50, couldn't I?
  • Alan: You could have said a hundred.
  • Chelsea: Can we please go to bed now?
  • Charlie: Beds are for amateurs.
  • Chelsea: Oh, Charlie.
  • Charlie: (sniffing)
  • Chelsea: What if Jake comes back?
  • Charlie: We'll breathe through our mouths.
  • Jake: She really does look familiar.
  • Alan: Terrific. Just don't drop her.
  • Jake: I can't wait to tell my friends about this.
  • Alan; You're not telling anybody about this.
  • Jake: What's the point of doing it if I can't tell anybody?
  • Alan: You've got 20 bucks and a memory. Now shut up. Okay, we've got to get her in the car.
  • Jake: You want me to pull it around?
  • Alan: No, I don't want you to pull it around!
  • Jake: Okay, well, then, you pull it around, I'll stay here with her.
  • Alan: Be very careful.
  • Chelsea (off-screen): Come on, let's finish this upstairs.
  • Alan: Move, move, move!
  • Charlie: Chelsea, wait.
  • Chelsea: What?
  • Charlie: I'm so happy you're back.
  • Alan: Hey.
  • Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan. Is the trash out?
  • Alan: Uh, almost.
  • Charlie: Almost ain't gonna cut it. Did you at least clean out my room?
  • Alan: Yes, I did.
  • Charlie: Good. Good. Okay, well, good night.
  • Alan: Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec?
  • Charlie: About what?
  • Alan: Um... uh, recycling. I'm not quite sure what to do with the... big jugs.
  • Charlie: Oh. Honey, why don't you go up and get comfortable and I'll be right there?
  • Chelsea: Hurry.
  • Charlie: I will. Okay, first you need to separate the plastic from the glass. Then when you get to the newspaper... What the hell is your problem?
  • Alan: She's in Jake's room. What am I supposed to do?
  • Charlie: I don't know. Here's my credit card. Take her to a hotel or something.
  • Alan: Okay. Chain motel or someplace nicer?
  • Charlie: What?
  • Alan: You know, uh, room service, ocean view. she won't feel so cheap. Plus, in the nicer places, you have free coffee and breakfast. Assorted pastries, coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice...
  • Charlie: I know what a continental breakfast is! Just get the hell out of here.
  • Alan: Okay, fine.
  • Alan: Oh, Charlie.
  • Charlie: What?
  • Alan: I'm a little low on gas.
  • Charlie: Use the card!
  • Alan: Right, right, right.
  • Charlie: What?
  • Alan: I'm really happy you're trying to make it work with Chelsea.
  • Charlie: Go!
  • Alan: What the hell are you doing?
  • Jake: You said I could have a memory. This is it.
  • Alan: Give me the phone.
  • Jake: Oh, good idea. I can't get us both in the frame. Can you make it look like we're talking to each other?
  • Alan: Forget the picture. We have to bring the car around.
  • Jake: Shouldn't someone stay here with Wanda?
  • Alan: Yeah, but it shouldn't be you.

  • Alan: One ding, one scratch, and you're dead.
  • Jake: Dude, mellow out. or You'll give yourself a heart attack.

  • Charlie: I'm glad you came back. I don't like it when you're gone.
  • Chelsea: I don't like it when I'm gone, either.
  • Wanda: Oh. Here they are.
  • Charlie: Funny story.

  • Alan: All right, you take her head and I'll take her feet.
  • Jake: Why do you get to take her feet?
  • Alan: Because I'm in charge of this operation and I like feet.
  • Wanda: Hey.
  • Jake: I guess we don't have to take her to a hotel, huh?
  • Alan: No, we don't. Quick get in the car.
  • Jake: Where we going?
  • Alan: Anywhere we want. We've got Uncle Charlie's credit card.

Title quotation

  • Charlie, to Chelsea, when she interrupts the basketball game they are watching.


Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
PilotBig Flappy BastardsGo East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of HellIf I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A NapThe Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A HumpDid You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys?If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually FakeTwenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-fulPhase One, CompleteMerry ThanksgivingAlan Harper, Frontier ChiropractorCamel Filters And PheromonesSarah Like Puny AlanI Can't Afford HyenasRound One To The Hot Crazy ChickThat Was Saliva, AlanAte The Hamburgers, Wearing The HatsAn Old Flame With A New WickI Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember YouHey, I Can Pee Outside In The DarkNo Sniffing, No WowingMy Doctor Has A Cow PuppetJust Like BuffaloCan You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary PoppinsEnjoy Those Garlic BallsA Bag Full of JaweaGo Get Mommy's BraBad News from the ClinicThe Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal VigilanceA Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in FontanaFrankenstein and the Horny VillagersYes, MonsignorThe Salmon Under My SweaterLast Chance to See Those TattoosA Lungful of AlanZejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My HairThose Big Pink Things With CoconutsSmell the Umbrella StandCan You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!It Was Mame, MomA Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping NoiseI Always Wanted a Shaved MonkeyA Sympathetic Crotch to Cry OnThat Old Hose Bag Is My MotherSquab, Squab, Squab, Squab, SquabDoes This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic GymnastsPrincipal Gallagher's Lesbian LoverCarpet Burns and a Bite MarkYour Dismissive Attitude Toward BoobsWe Called It Mr. PinkyHi, Mr. Horned OneSleep Tight, Puddin' PopThat Voodoo That I Do DoMadame and Her Special FriendSomething Salted and TwistedSanta's Village of the DamnedThat Special TugHumiliation is a Visual MediumLove Isn't Blind, It's RetardedMy Tongue Is MeatErgo, The Booty CallThe Unfortunate Little SchnauserThe Spit-Covered CobblerGolly Moses, She's a MuffinAlways a Bridesmaid, Never a BurroAnd the Plot MoistensJust Once With Aunt SophieArguments for the QuickieThat Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for CaligulaWho's Vod Kanockers?The Sea is a Harsh MistressA Pot Smoking MonkeyA Live Woman of Proven FertilityApologies for the FrivolityRepeated Blows to His Unformed HeadRelease the DogsCorey's Been Dead for an HourKissing Abraham LincolnWalnuts and DemerolCastrating Sheep in MontanaDon't Worry, Speed RacerThat's Summer Sausage, Not SalamiMy Damn StalkerYoung People Have Phlegm TooI Merely Slept with a CommieIt Never Rains in HootervilleSmooth as a Ken DollAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a LotTucked, Taped and GorgeousMr. McGlue's FeedbagAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and MomMedia Room Slash DungeonDum Diddy Dum Diddy DooCity of Great RacksPutting Swim Fins on a CatHelp Daddy Find His ToenailThe Leather Gear Is in the Guest RoomIs There a Mrs. Waffles?Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar LidsKinda Like NecrophiliaMeander to Your DanderA Little Clammy and None Too FreshThe Soil is MoistWinky-Dink TimeRough Night in Hump JunctionLook at Me, Mommy, I'm PrettyFish in a DrawerIf My Hole Could TalkWaiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love ChildPie Hole, HerbDamn You, Eggs BenedictThe Flavin' and the Mavin'A Jock Strap In HellIt's Always Nazi WeekBest H.O. Money Can BuyPinocchio's MouthThe Mooch At The BooHe Smelled The Ham, He Got ExcitedThe Devil's LubeThank God for ScoliosisI Think You Offended DonDavid Copperfield Slipped Me a RoofieI'd Like to Start with the CatShe'll Still Be Dead at HalftimeThe 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?My Son's Enormous HeadThe Two Finger RuleHello, I am Alan CousteauAbove Exalted CyclopsSir Lancelot's Litter BoxGood Morning, Mrs. ButterworthBaseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzoWhipped Unto The Third GenerationMmm, fish. Yum.Laxative Tester, Horse InseminatorFor The Sake of The ChildGive Me Your ThumbUntainted by FilthGorp. Fnark. Schmegle.Captain Terry's Spray-On HairThat's Why They Call It "Ball Room"Warning, It's DirtyFart Jokes, Pie and CelesteYay, No Polyps!Crude and Uncalled ForAye, Aye, Captain DoucheTinkle Like a PrincessI Found Your MoustacheIxnay On The Oggie DayKeith Moon Is Vomiting In His GraveI Called Him MagooGumby with a PokeyThis Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named BudA Bottle of Wine and a JackhammerA Pudding-Filled CactusHookers, Hookers, HookersThe Immortal Mr. Billy JoelTwanging Your Magic ClangerThe Crazy Bitch GazetteSpringtime on a StickA Good Time in Central AfricaOw, Ow, Don't StopDead from the Waist DownChocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's DeadSkunk, Dog Crap and KetchupLookin' for Japanese SubsThree Hookers and a Philly CheesesteakThat Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden SchmidtPeople Who Love PeepholesBig Girls Don't Throw FoodNine Magic FingersA Giant Cat Holding a ChurroThe Squat and the HoverThose Fancy Japanese ToiletsThank You For The IntercourseFrodo's HeadshotsA Fishbowl Full of Glass EyesWhat A Lovely Landing StripOne False Move, Zimbabwe!Slowly and In A Circular FashionA Possum on ChemoThe Duchess of Dull-in-SackSips, Sonnets and SodomyNot In My Mouth!The War Against GingivitisPalmdale, EchGrandma's PieMr. Hose Says "Yes"Why We Gave Up WomenThe Straw In My Donut HoleOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the MilkA Big Bag of DogFour Balls, Two Bats and One MittYou Do Know What The Lollipop Is ForThat's Not What They Call It In AmsterdamFerrets, Attack!Avoid The Chinese MustardSomething My Gynecologist SaidI Scream When I PeeOne Nut JohnsonGive Santa a Tail-HoleWelcome to AlancrestGrab A Feather And Get In LineRun, Steven Staven! Run!Paint It, Pierce It or Plug ItAdvantage: Fat, Flying BabyThrogwarten Middle School MysteriesThe 9:04 From PembertonBig Episode. Someone Stole A SpoonBazinga! That's From a TV ShowAnother Night With Neil DiamondMy Bodacious VidaliaCows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
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Season 12
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