Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman named "She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime"
Mark Roberts (story)
Don Foster & Eddie Gorodetsky (teleplay) Wanda (Diora Baird) from his bedroom before Chelsea returns from her ex-mother-in-law's funeral; Jake seems to recognize Wanda but doesn't realize that she is a pin-up girl on one of his posters. Meanwhile, Alan won't let Jake drive the car.
Charlie: Wanda, what are you doing here?
Alan: Oh my god, what happened?
Jake: Enough talk, let's get to it.
Charlie: Slowly. Slowly. (doorbell rings)
Charlie: Quickly. Quickly. Hi, baby. Come on in.
Chelsea: Oh, Charlie. you are so right about Alex.
Charlie: Alex? Oh, yeah. Alex. What a sleazeball. Can I get you something to drink?
Chelsea: No. I just want to get in bed and hold you.
Charlie: Oh, boy, does that sound good. Let me just say good night to Jake.
Chelsea: Okay. I'll meet you upstairs.
Charlie: You know what? Why don't you come say good night, too?
Charlie: Well, you're my girlfriend, and he's my nephew, and... isn't that enough? Hey, Jake...
Jake: You might want to hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Jake: I farted. Sorry. I get the fancy words from my dad.
Charlie: Anyway, Chelsea and I just wanted to say good night.
Charlie: He keeps his feelings bottled up. Everything else he shoots into the atmosphere.
Alan: Hi, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Hi, Alan.
Alan: Uh, sorry to hear about your ex-mother-in-law.
Chelsea: Oh, thank you.
Alan: Oh, hey, Jake. Uh, I could really use for help.
Jake': Of what?
Alan: I'm taking out the... whew! I'm taking out the trash.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: The trash. I'm taking it out, and I could use your help carrying it.
Jake: Oh. So now you want my help?
Alan: Yes, now I want your help.
Jake: What about the 20 bucks you owe me?
Jake: Is the trash still out where you can see it?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go help your father.
Alan: Nice seeing you, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Good night.
Jake: I could have said 50, couldn't I?
Alan: You could have said a hundred.
Chelsea: Can we please go to bed now?
Charlie: Beds are for amateurs.
Chelsea: Oh, Charlie.
Chelsea: What if Jake comes back?
Charlie: We'll breathe through our mouths.
Jake: She really does look familiar.
Alan: Terrific. Just don't drop her.
Jake: I can't wait to tell my friends about this.
Alan; You're not telling anybody about this.
Jake: What's the point of doing it if I can't tell anybody?
Alan: You've got 20 bucks and a memory. Now shut up. Okay, we've got to get her in the car.
Jake: You want me to pull it around?
Alan: No, I don't want you to pull it around!
Jake: Okay, well, then, you pull it around, I'll stay here with her.
Alan: Be very careful.
Chelsea (off-screen): Come on, let's finish this upstairs.
Alan: Move, move, move!
Charlie: Chelsea, wait.
Charlie: I'm so happy you're back.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan. Is the trash out?
Alan: Uh, almost.
Charlie: Almost ain't gonna cut it. Did you at least clean out my room?
Alan: Yes, I did.
Charlie: Good. Good. Okay, well, good night.
Alan: Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec?
Charlie: About what?
Alan: Um... uh, recycling. I'm not quite sure what to do with the... big jugs.
Charlie: Oh. Honey, why don't you go up and get comfortable and I'll be right there?
Charlie: I will. Okay, first you need to separate the plastic from the glass. Then when you get to the newspaper... What the hell is your problem?
Alan: She's in Jake's room. What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: I don't know. Here's my credit card. Take her to a hotel or something.
Alan: Okay. Chain motel or someplace nicer?
Alan: You know, uh, room service, ocean view. she won't feel so cheap. Plus, in the nicer places, you have free coffee and breakfast. Assorted pastries, coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice...
Charlie: I know what a continental breakfast is! Just get the hell out of here.
Alan: Okay, fine.
Alan: Oh, Charlie.
Alan: I'm a little low on gas.
Charlie: Use the card!
Alan: Right, right, right.
Alan: I'm really happy you're trying to make it work with Chelsea.
Alan: What the hell are you doing?
Jake: You said I could have a memory. This is it.
Alan: Give me the phone.
Jake: Oh, good idea. I can't get us both in the frame. Can you make it look like we're talking to each other?
Alan: Forget the picture. We have to bring the car around.
Jake: Shouldn't someone stay here with Wanda? Alan: Yeah, but it shouldn't be you.
Alan: One ding, one scratch, and you're dead. Jake: Dude, mellow out. or You'll give yourself a heart attack.
Charlie: I'm glad you came back. I don't like it when you're gone.
Chelsea: I don't like it when I'm gone, either.
Wanda: Oh. Here they are. Charlie: Funny story.
Alan: All right, you take her head and I'll take her feet.
Jake: Why do you get to take her feet?
Alan: Because I'm in charge of this operation and I like feet.
Jake: I guess we don't have to take her to a hotel, huh?
Alan: No, we don't. Quick get in the car.
Jake: Where we going? Alan: Anywhere we want. We've got Uncle Charlie's credit card.
Charlie, to Chelsea, when she interrupts the basketball game they are watching.
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Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
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Working for Caligula • Who's Vod Kanockers? • The Sea is a Harsh Mistress • A Pot Smoking Monkey • A Live Woman of Proven Fertility • Apologies for the Frivolity • Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head • Release the Dogs • Corey's Been Dead for an Hour • Kissing Abraham Lincoln • Walnuts and Demerol • Castrating Sheep in Montana • Don't Worry, Speed Racer • That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami • My Damn Stalker • Young People Have Phlegm Too • I Merely Slept with a Commie • It Never Rains in Hooterville • Smooth as a Ken Doll • Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot • Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous • Mr. McGlue's Feedbag • Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' • Prostitutes and Gelato
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
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I Changed My Mind About the Milk • A Big Bag of Dog • Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt • You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For • That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam • Ferrets, Attack! • Avoid The Chinese Mustard • Something My Gynecologist Said • I Scream When I Pee • One Nut Johnson • Give Santa a Tail-Hole • Welcome to Alancrest • Grab A Feather And Get In Line • Run, Steven Staven! Run! • Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It • Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby • Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries • The 9:04 From Pemberton • Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon • Bazinga! That's From a TV Show • Another Night With Neil Diamond • My Bodacious Vidalia • Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
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