While Charlie, Alan and Jake are at a cafe, Charlie meets a woman, Chrissy, that he dated about eight years ago. She is with an eight-year old boy who looks and dresses remarkably like Charlie, and Chrissy tells Charlie that he is also a good piano player.
Later, at a pharmacy, Charlie asks the pharmacist if it's possible to get pregnant even if a condom is used, and is shocked to learn that they are not 100% effective. He is later on the balcony at his house dreaming about having a son and being able to spend time with him, and wondering if he would make a good father. He asks Jake if he is a good role model, and Jake says that, because he drinks, gambles and has different women at his house almost every night, he is the best role model a guy could want. Unsure about whether or not the child is his, he goes to Chrissy's apartment and asks her, but she only says that she has got on well without him for the last eight years.
He later goes back and gives Chrissy a check for a large sum and promises to continue making monthly payments, saying it is with no strings attached, but he just wants to know that Chuck will be taken care of. After Charlie leaves, a woman comes to Chrissy's apartment and reveals that Chuck is her son and Chrissy was only her babysitter, revealing that Chrissy deliberately passed the boy off as Charlie's son to con him out of money.
Later, when Charlie and Alan drop Jake off at Judith's, he sees a plumber, a water boy, and a postman who all look like Jake, but Alan is oblivious.
Evelyn: Oh sweetheart, take it from me, spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
(talking about condoms)
Russell: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russell: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russell: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.