Charlie tries to set up Alan with the rich new next-door neighbour Danielle (played by Brooke Shields), who is looking to settle down.
Plot[]
A drunk Charlie enters his Malibu beach house with his girlfriend Vanessa, but is disturbed by an arguing Alan and Jake. Jake was watching a Quicktime sex movie called “Vanessa does Van Nuys” (starring the aforementioned Vanessa) on Charlie’s computer, which Alan caught him doing. Alan is giving Charlie a hard time too for leaving the video out in the open, when Berta also walks in the room. Alan has put acidophilus milk on the shopping list for the last three weeks, which Berta refuses to buy. According to Alan, acidophilus milk “promotes intestinal flora, which aids a healthy digestion”. Charlie, being annoyed by all the arguing, flees upstairs but slips on Jake’s skateboard.
The next morning, Berta comes home from running errands and checks her shopping list. Instead of acidophilus milk, she bought 2% milk (while calling Alan a “whiny pinhead”). Charlie walks in the kitchen, luckily unharmed, when the door bell rings. Danielle Stewart, a new rich neighbour, comes to introduce herself. Charlie invites her in and she tells him she was married back in Chicago, where she spent the last 8 years spending her divorce settlement. She headed to Malibu to settle down and “get serious” with her life. When Berta brings them coffee, Danielle asks her for acidophilus milk.
That evening, Charlie is in the kitchen with Berta preparing Danielle a welcome basket he plans Alan to give her. In his reasoning, Danielle is a “perfect match” for Alan because she looks to settle down, and Alan could finally move out. Berta is sceptical about it, until Alan shows up with a carton of acidophilus milk he shoves pretentiously in her face. Charlie tells Alan about Danielle, but Alan suspects there’s a catch (Charlie has a reputation to dump Alan with the “weird best friend”, when he himself dates the pretty girl). He also doubts a woman like Danielle would be interested in him.
Charlie and Alan go over to Danielle’s house with the basket. Alan is clearly impressed when Danielle opens the door, being able to only stutter “welcome” when handing over the basket. Danielle wants to open the included bottle of wine to toast to her new house, but Alan tells her that red wine makes him flatulent. Danielle has nothing else to offer him, and so Charlie suggests to take her out to dinner. When Danielle runs upstairs to change her outfit, Charlie gives Alan money, because he plans to beg off dinner so Alan can be alone with her. Alan and Danielle go to Giorgio’s down the beach.
A couple days later, Alan comes home from work and is in a rush to take a shower because he has a dinner date with Danielle. She is at the door and Charlie answers. He offers her a drink, but she declines because she wants to “cut down” on alcohol. Charlie asks why, but Danielle hesitates to tell him. She eventually does and confesses him that her marriage or relationships failed because she does regretful things when she drinks too much, i.e., sleeping with other men, women or couples. Charlie, realising how similar he is to her, changes his plan. He goes to Alan’s room to tell him the latest news about Danielle and asks him to step aside so he can make a move on her. Alan refuses and they decide to leave it up to Danielle.
Charlie tries to liquor up Danielle but Alan wants to leave with her to make their dinner reservation. The two get into an argument, while Danielle empties a bottle of wine. Being drunk, she comes clean about her feelings: she’s attracted to Charlie, but Alan is probably the safest option. She suggests to solve the issue in the bedroom with a threesome, to decide who suits her best. They decline her offer to which she leaves, but not before telling them that should they change their minds, they know where to find her. On the way out, she slips on Jake’s skateboard, that he nonchalantly left at the front door.
At the end, Charlie is doing grocery shopping and snarlingly puts a carton of acidophilus milk in his shopping basket. When he’s stopped by an attractive woman, who also drinks acidophilus milk, he jokingly lies to her that he mixes it with wodka to make an “Acidophil-tini”. She walks away, and after a brief talk with his penis, Charlie goes after her.
Danielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no need to fight over me. Alan, you're a sweet gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig. But I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I have to do you both.
Charlie: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Alan: Thank you for the generous offer, but I'm afraid we must decline.
Charlie: But mostly he’s afraid.
Danielle: I should have known. Not a pair between you. Well, if either of you change your mind, you know where to find me. (gasps)
(thudding)
Charlie: Okay, you can have her.
Trivia[]
Vanessa tells Jake that she’s working on a sequel where she does Woodland Hills instead.
In the grocery store, the acidophilus milk can be found below the 2% milk and next to the low fat yoghurt.
Judith and Evelyn do not appear in this episode.
Title quotation from[]
Alan, as he describes a gift from the welcome basket to Danielle.
