FANDOM

Two adults. One kid. No grown-ups.
Two adults. One kid. No grown-ups.
660 Pages
Add new page
in:
Episodes, Season 4

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

Edit
Share
watch 01:48
The Loop (TV)
Do you like this video?

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami is the 14th episode of season 4. It aired on February 5, 2007.

SummaryEdit

Charlie tries to set up Alan with the sexy and rich new next-door neighbor Danielle (played by Brooke Shields) who is looking to settle down. 

PlotEdit

Alan complains to Charlie that Jake had access to his computer with a 'saucy' movie, starring his present fling Vanessa. Berta refuses to buy the acidophilus (somehow healthy) milk Alan insists on. Jake's chucked-down skateboard proves a painful obstacle for Charlie everywhere in and around the beach house. Charlie's attractive, classy new neighbor Danielle is filthy rich since her divorce eight years ago, and the marrying kind. When Danielle asks for the same milk, Charlie hopes to match Alan to her so he can be free again, actively Cupid-coaches the romantic moron, and actually gets them dating repeatedly. Danielle admits to Charlie all her relationships failed because once drunk, she becomes a bisexual slut, twisted enough for the ladies-man to chase and steal her himself. After a glass too many, Danielle proposes a trio, but Charlie and Alan refuse. 

CastEdit

QuotesEdit

  • Danielle: Oh, now, just a little.
  • Charlie: You got it. That is a beautiful dress.
  • Danielle: Oh, thank you.
  • Charlie: Whoops.
  • Danielle: Ooh.
  • Charlie: Sorry.
  • Danielle: That's okay. Mm... buttery... with a slight citrus finish. Hmm. Ah!
  • Charlie': So you know wine.
  • Alan: Okay, Danielle, we'd better get going if we're gonna make that reservation.
  • Danielle: You're right. Well, thanks for the wine, Charlie.
  • Charlie: Whoa, whoa, what's the hurry? I was going to make a pitcher of margaritas.
  • Danielle: Ooh, I love margaritas!
  • Charlie: Be right back.
  • Alan: Gee, Danielle, do you really want to sit here and drink with Charlie?
  • Danielle: Oh, yeah, you're right, Alan. You're a nice guy. You're good for me. Okay, Charlie, we're leaving!
  • Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, wait! If you don't have time for margaritas, I could mix one up in your mouth.
  • Alan: Cut it out, Charlie. I know what you 're trying to do.
  • Charlie: What are you talking about? I'm being a good host.
  • Alan: You're taking advantage of Danielle.
  • Charlie: No, no, I respect Danielle for who she is.
  • Alan: So do I.
  • Charlie: No, you respect Danielle for who she's pretending to be.
  • Alan: I don't get ypu-- why did you bother putting us together in the first place?
  • Charlie: Because I thought she was dull and boring like you. and I had hoped the two of you would go and be dull and boring at her house!
  • Alan: That was really your plan? That's imsane!
  • Charlie: It would have worked if she wasn't a drunken slut!
  • Danielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no need to fight over me. Alan, you're a sweet gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig. But I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I have to do you both.
  • Charlie: No crossing swords.
  • Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
  • Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
  • Alan: Thank you for the generous offer, but I'm afraid we must decline.
  • Danielle: I should have known.Not a pair between you. Well, if either of you change your mind, you know where to find me. (gasps)
  • (thudding)
  • Charlie: Okay, you can have her.
  • Charlie: I can't. I promised Berta I'd get the groceries. You're right. You're always right.

Title quotation fromEdit

Alan, as he describes some of a gift basket's items to Danielle.

Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts • Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover • Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark • Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs • We Called It Mr. Pinky • Hi, Mr. Horned One • Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop • That Voodoo That I Do Do • Madame and Her Special Friend • Something Salted and Twisted • Santa's Village of the Damned • That Special Tug • Humiliation is a Visual Medium • Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded • My Tongue Is Meat • Ergo, The Booty Call • The Unfortunate Little Schnauser • The Spit-Covered Cobbler • Golly Moses, She's a Muffin • Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro • And the Plot Moistens • Just Once With Aunt Sophie • Arguments for the Quickie • That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for Caligula • Who's Vod Kanockers? • The Sea is a Harsh Mistress • A Pot Smoking Monkey • A Live Woman of Proven Fertility • Apologies for the Frivolity • Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head • Release the Dogs • Corey's Been Dead for an Hour • Kissing Abraham Lincoln • Walnuts and Demerol • Castrating Sheep in Montana • Don't Worry, Speed Racer • That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami • My Damn Stalker • Young People Have Phlegm Too • I Merely Slept with a Commie • It Never Rains in Hooterville • Smooth as a Ken Doll • Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot • Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous • Mr. McGlue's Feedbag • Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' • Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzo • Whipped Unto The Third Generation • Mmm, fish. Yum. • Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator • For The Sake of The Child • Give Me Your Thumb • Untainted by Filth • Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. • Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair • That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" • Warning, It's Dirty • Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste • Yay, No Polyps! • Crude and Uncalled For • Aye, Aye, Captain Douche • Tinkle Like a Princess • I Found Your Moustache • Ixnay On The Oggie Day • Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave • I Called Him Magoo • Gumby with a Pokey • This Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud • A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer • A Pudding-Filled Cactus • Hookers, Hookers, Hookers • The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel • Twanging Your Magic Clanger • The Crazy Bitch Gazette • Springtime on a Stick • A Good Time in Central Africa • Ow, Ow, Don't Stop • Dead from the Waist Down • Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead • Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup • Lookin' for Japanese Subs • Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak • That Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt • People Who Love Peepholes • Big Girls Don't Throw Food • Nine Magic Fingers • A Giant Cat Holding a Churro • The Squat and the Hover • Those Fancy Japanese Toilets • Thank You For The Intercourse • Frodo's Headshots • A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes • What A Lovely Landing Strip • One False Move, Zimbabwe! • Slowly and In A Circular Fashion • A Possum on Chemo • The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack • Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy • Not In My Mouth! • The War Against Gingivitis • Palmdale, Ech • Grandma's Pie • Mr. Hose Says "Yes" • Why We Gave Up Women • The Straw In My Donut Hole • Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the Milk • A Big Bag of Dog • Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt • You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For • That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam • Ferrets, Attack! • Avoid The Chinese Mustard • Something My Gynecologist Said • I Scream When I Pee • One Nut Johnson • Give Santa a Tail-Hole • Welcome to Alancrest • Grab A Feather And Get In Line • Run, Steven Staven! Run! • Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It • Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby • Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries • The 9:04 From Pemberton • Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon • Bazinga! That's From a TV Show • Another Night With Neil Diamond • My Bodacious Vidalia • Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
Nangnangnangnang • I Think I Banged Lucille Ball • This Unblessed Biscuit • Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank • Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 • Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants • Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie • Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. • Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer • On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! • Tazed In The Lady Nuts • Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. • Bite Me, Supreme Court • Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe • Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin • How to Get Rid of Alan Harper • Welcome Home, Jake • West Side Story • Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang • Lotta Delis in Little Armenia • Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot • Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican Spinach • A Chic Bar in Ibiza • Glamping in a Yurt • Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight • Oontz, Oontz, Oontz • Alan Shot a Little Girl • Sex With an Animated Ed Asner • Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey • Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey • Here I Come, Pants! • For Whom the Booty Calls • A Beer-Battered Rip-Off • Boompa Loved His Hookers • Don't Give a Monkey a Gun • Of Course He's Dead
Retrieved from "https://twoandahalfmen.fandom.com/wiki/That%27s_Summer_Sausage,_Not_Salami?oldid=21228"
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.