I have a huge penis.
|Walden to Alan|
Walden Michael Thoreau Schmidt Harper, is a fictional character on the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. He made his first appearance in Season 9, replacing Sheen's character Charlie Harper. Walden is the deuteragonist of the show throughout the final 4 seasons (seasons 9 - 12), but there are many episodes where he is the main focus.
Before the showEdit
Walden grew up as the child of a single parent when his magician father disappeared early during his childhood. He also spent the first four years of his life living with a gorilla, which his mother Robin explained to him was his "brother", Magilla but in reality was an experiment she carried out to see if humans learn faster than gorillas (One False Move, Zimbabwe!). During high school, he started to date Bridget, who would later become his wife. After flunking 8th grade, his mother had him evaluated, and the results were that he was too smart for high school. He therefore skipped it but ended up quitting MIT (it is unknown if it was for the same reason). By the age of 19, he had made his first $1 million. After this, he made a website with Billy that Microsoft bought for $1.3 billion and bundled with their Zune, further enhancing his riches.Most likely to be the final event before his debut on the series, his wife Bridget threw him out of the house, announcing she wants to divorce him....but then tries to have sex with him later.
When he was introduced to the series, Walden was a depressed, childish, suicidal, immature billionaire who threw himself into the ocean to make his wife feel sorry for throwing him out, before getting out of the ocean and asking Alan if he can use his phone. Unlike Charlie, who was obsessed with sex and booze, a whoremonger, Schmidt is much more concerned with his recent divorce and doesn't take sex for granted. According to his ex-wife, Bridget, he is emotionally immature. This was proven to be fact. For example, he stated that unless Bridget would take him back he would drown himself, but later changed his mind after finding out how cold the water was; also his mansion has arcade games and Sci-Fi mannequins.
He's not self-conscious about his body as he doesn't seem to be at all embarrassed about undressing in front of Alan or walking around the house naked. He is indifferent towards Jake. Walden is easy to trick despite warnings from others, such as when he was warned by Berta of Alan's intentions to stay permanently but despite Berta's warnings, Walden invited Alan and Jake to stay at Charlie's beach house after his death or when Alan warned him that Evelyn would try sleeping with him. He is oblivious to Berta's attraction to him and because of his childish nature, he once hired her as a live-in housekeeper, but she quit the "live in" part of the job, staying on as housekeeper due to Alan being allowed to stay due to Walden's friendship with him.
Walden is willing to go for an idea if it involves something he likes such as when he took a restaurant idea from Jake because of the great food deals. He is very trusting of Alan, seeing him as his best friend and has great concern for him such as when he had a mental break down and thought he was Charlie. He and Jake took Alan to a mental hospital after Alan got in Walden's shower. They told Alan that they were going to Las Vegas
Thanks to his experiences with the Harper family (Mostly Alan and Jake), Walden has begun to mature emotionally, but not into an exactly bright person. Despite his emotional immaturity, he is quite smart, as he has designed a website Microsoft bought, as well as he knew what the difference between organic and grass fed meat. Walden has also formed relationships with Alan, Jake, Berta, who initially had a crush on him, Judith, Herb and everyone else in Malibu. He was once dating Rose, Charlie's former stalker, and Zoey, a foreign woman with a daughter named Ava. Because of Walden's immaturity, he is great with kids, such as Ava.After a night of having drinks at the local bar with Alan, Walden decides he doesn't want a woman that only wants him for the stuff he has (a billion dollars, etc.) rather for himself. Walden creates a fake identity and manages to find a woman named Kate, a talented seamstress who is poor and is just passing by. Kate and Walden are currently really in love with each other despite Walden's fake identity. Walden uses his money to secretly help her to become a fashion designer to the stars. However between some trust issues to work out upon his reveal of his big ruse, and her newfound success, the couple barely see one another.
Walden had a beard and long hair in the first half of Season 9. In the episode, "A Possum on Chemo" Walden shaves his beard and gets a haircut. He is a tall and very good-looking man. His looks, along with his vast wealth, have gotten many women attracted to him.
A recurring joke on the show is that Walden's penis is surprisingly big. This was first mentioned after he got undressed right in front of Alan, and Alan walked away muttering to himself that Walden was "hung like an elephant." Later in that same episode, Walden, whilst completely naked, met Berta, whom among seeing his penis and meeting him, responded with "I'm impressed." His old friend, Billy Stanhope, has referred to Walden's penis as the "Python." When Walden and Jenny woke up naked in bed together, she looked under the covers at Walden's penis, and she was shocked by its size.
They were married and Bridget didn't want him anymore, so Walden tried to win her back, but it didn't work. After that Walden started dating Zoey, Bridget told him to sign the divorce papers, so he did. As he did, Bridget wanted him back. Walden didn't know what to do, when she wanted to sleep with him, he told her everything, he hoped to be friends but they didn't.
They met in A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes when Walden was shopping with Jake. In A Possum on Chemo Zoey tried to make him shave his beard and cut his hair, which he did at the end of the episode. In season 10 premiere he proposed to Zoey amid fireworks and a Michael Bolton serenade. But she shot him down. He made several attempts to woo her back, but they never materialized.
Walden wanted to date a girl who wasn't after him for his money. He goes by the name Sam Wilson and befriends an upcoming fashion designer, Kate. He even moves in with her and finances her clothing line in Alan's name. He reveals the truth about himself and she breaks it up with him. They do try to give their relationship another shot, but due to their conflicting schedules, decide to part ways.
Formerly Jake's girlfriend, Walden goes to comfort her after her break-up. He ended up making out with her when he remarked about her attractiveness, they presumably had sex after the kiss.
Stacey is a dim witted girl. She majored in Communications, but failed to talk (communicate) with Walden on their date. Both of them almost had sex.
Linda is Stacey's grandmother. She is a talented photographer. Walden expresses interest in her and they had sex.
After Walden's breakup with Zoey, he was searching for a new woman until he ran into Rose at a bar. They hit it off and later on he asks her to move in for him only to break up with her when she finally does to get back with Zoey. She leaves her ferrets to attack him before ruining his chance with Zoey after pretending to be pregnent with his child to her and begins stalking him.
Laurel was one of the three moms that Alan and Walden had befriended when taking Louis out to meet friends. The two get intimate and Walden is forced into explaining his whole fake marriage to Alan to prevent her from leaving when she realizes he's married. They attempt to have sex but he falls asleep beforehand when attempting to put Louis to bed. Later they meet up again and decide to get back together. When the house becomes too much of a problem for them when they try to have sex they get a hotel room and end up having angry sex after the two point out the flaws with each others' kids. They have sex again again but end up parting ways after Ms. McMartin figures out about his and Alan's fake marriage.
After Alan breaks up with their social worker Ms. McMartin, Walden goes to attempt to try and fix the two's partnership with her at her house upon hearing she stalked Alan and Lyndsey to a restauraut and spilled his drink on him. She notes out how much he loves Louis and begins crying asking herself why nobody loves her like that. Walden attempts to console her by complimenting her, which leads to her unexpectedly kissing him and the two end up having sex. She believes they are in a relationship though Walden only does it to prevent her from stopping Louis' adoption. Later on, she comes over to his house and cooks for him and to have sex, both of which he enjoys. The two mutually decide to break up and remain friends when she notices how he's only doing it to save the adoption and she completes it for him.
After he and Alan realize they dumped their women for nothing and will end up alone with each other, Alan goes to woo back Lyndsey and Walden goes to rekindle his relationship with Ms. McMartin. She agrees after a serenade from Michael Bolton. He attempts to propose to her when Alan does so with Lyndsey only for him to get shot down and they agree its too soon but she stays with him. Later on, Alan walks in on the two having sex to inform him about Charlie's savings he had stashed up and yet to be claimed and she leaves while the two agree to haee sex again at another date. The show ends with her as Walden's girlfriend with his penis in her mouth.
- Walden's face is morphed into his now current physical appearance during the opening sequence in season 9 since Kutcher shaved his beard and cut his hair. Just like Jake did during Seasons 1 - 8 before Charlie Sheen was fired.
- Walden Schmidt is the second character on Two and a Half Men to appear in every episode since his introduction, next to Alan Harper, who as of Season 10, is the only character on Two and a Half Men to appear in every episode in the whole series from Seasons 1- present.
- Walden Schmidt became the owner of the Malibu Beach House, which was Charlie's before his death. As of "Slowly and In A Circular Fashion", Walden and Alan both own the beach house.
- In season 9 he takes Jake's place during the theme song.
- He has an orgy with Jenny, Berta, James Franco and Jenny's friends.
- When Walden took over, the show was like the Walden and Alan show. It was like the Odd Couple, Walden was like Oscar Madison, Walden wasn't a slob, but he was fun and Felix drives him crazy. Just like Charlie Harper, he wanted Alan out of the house or away from him.
- Walden is right-handed.